It's good being single

Sometimes it's pretty great being single, but equally it can suck. 

I'm currently on a flight to Dubai, in Business class, drinking champagne - life couldn't get better. 

I'm so excited to be celebrating New Year's Eve in Abu Dhabi. It's so different from last year. 

Last year I went to Searcy champagne bar (maybe not that different actually) in London with my housemates. It was lovely but this year will be so much better. 

I've had such an incredible year of travelling so it seems fitting to finish it off in another country. 

This single life can be pretty fun. I love the freedom I have. I've always been my own person but it's nice not being accountable to anyone. 

I've got back into the dating game. In fact, I went on a fantastic first date yesterday. 

I met this guy from tinder (although I messed up and said I thought we spoke on pof - opps!) and surprisingly he was lovely. 

He's very good looking, my usual tall dark and handsome type. But better than that, he can actually hold a decent conversation. 

We had so much in common. We spoke so much about travel. It seems we both love to explore exotic places. 

It was also nice having hobbies in common. He likes to keep fit and horse ride. 

It's refreshing to have a nice normal date. And meet someone you get along with. 

Obviously I'm a realist and not sure exactly what may happen but either way it was a lot of fun. Let's see what happens. 

Thank god thats over

I am usually so excited when it comes to Christmas. I love the lights, all the yummy treats and buying nice presents for my friends and family. But this year has totally sucked!

I went to a Christmas market in Cologne at the end of November, this was supposed to be the start of the Christmas season. Unfortunately it was a nightmare! I ended up being so ill with a sore neck and shoulders, which ended with me having physio, and I had some horrible bug. Needless to say, it wasn't a fun trip.

It was the first Christmas in my new house. I thought about it as a fresh start. I wanted to cook dinner for my parents and that went very well (except for over boiling my potatoes thanks to Mother).

Maybe because work has been incredibly busy, it just didn't have it's magical feeling this year. Normally you're able to have quite a few cheeky long lunches or lots of drinks after work but the week leading to Christmas, I was working till pretty late. I was more excited about having some time off work than actually looking forward to Christmas.

I went to the crematorium on Christmas eve. It was pretty busy with lots of people visiting their loved ones who have passed away. I place a Tasmanian devil magnet and lit a candle for Dean (I haven't heard about a fire over there so hopefully the candle was ok).

Perhaps the fact that I wasn't in the house we lived in together, may also have something to do with the fact that it didn't feel like Christmas.

Dean used to really like Christmas, or he at least always made it special for me. I think that's what I really miss about a relationship. I miss the fact that someone is there to look after you and make things feel special.

I was feeling so sorry for myself on Christmas day. I woke up alone (well that's a fib as Shiloh was with me) and the first person to actually say "Merry Christmas" to me, was a stranger over the park.

After a few 'woo is me' thoughts, I mentally slapped myself. Here I am, sitting in my gorgeous house, after cooking a lovely meal, spending time with parents when there are so many people out there that don't have a home, don't have enough food to feed themselves or their family and some also have lots loved ones.

I like to thing I'm pretty robust and strong so when I do feel bad about things, I hate it. I feel so weak and then realise that I have so much to be thankful for.

This Christmas was different from my last ones, and let's be honest next Christmas will also be different. So from now on, I'm going to be more thankful. Different doesn't have to be a bad thing.

Another one bites the dust

Yes another one to add to the reject pile. I should have seen this post coming but it's still very frustrating to write.

I was 'seeing' (one of the many wonderful dating terminologies) someone for about six weeks. It all started very innocently and to be honest, initially I didn't think anything of it but it's always the 'nice' guys that reel you in.

This one was definitely not my usual type (although lets be honest, my usual type hasn't exactly been working so well for me). My usual type is often based initially on looks. It's the standard tall, dark hair and muscly - this guy was polar opposite.

But I figured he seems nice so as we started to chat, things seemed to be heading in some sort of 'forward' direction.

The alarm bells were there from the beginning. I thought dating someone opinionated would be good. It would mean perhaps some healthy debates and not someone who would be walked all over. I didn't expect to be challenged on every opinion I have.

It wasn't just the debating that was an issue, it was the subtle put downs. Little things like 'Oh would you really wear THAT dress?' or 'Argg why would you want to go to THAT restaurant?'. I appreciate everyone has different opinions but it's really not nice to make people feel inadequate.

Now, that could be blamed on me. If I am strong enough with my thoughts and beliefs, then no one could make me doubt myself however I'm not strong enough.

I don't know whether it's just this time of year, or this last dating experience but it has bought up some deep seeded issues for me again.

A close friend of mine ask me a very direct question the other week, he asked me when I was going to deal with my grief instead of running away from it and I think he's right.

I know I have flaws, I have flaws like everyone else. I am very aware of my flaws and yet I still allow myself to be made to feel inferior because of these.

I think it takes a strong person to admit that they are insecure at times. I don't fully understand all of my insecurities. I am not a jealous person. If I am with someone that I trust 100% and I saw them flirting with a friend, it wouldn't bother me but I think the issue I have when it comes to those types of insecurities is respect.

Not only do I need to have respect for myself and for others, anyone with me has to respect me. They have to respect my past and my present. I am not perfect, nor would I want to be but you should respect the person for who they are.

I've felt under a lot of pressure lately. I love my job but it's incredibly busy and I don't always feel like I have the right support. I also feel like time is running away from me. There are so many things I'd like to do like see my family more, go to the gym or simply watch a film and chill out on the sofa but none of those seem viable at the moment.

Dean used to really like Christmas. It was a special time for us. Our last Christmas together was really special and ironically, Dean bought me my eternity ring that year.

I don't believe in the whole 'New year, new start' but perhaps the new year will be a good opportunity to re-evaluate what is working well in my life and would could be improved.

I said before that there were alarm bells from the start with the last guy I dated, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I honestly don't know why I always do that. If you give people a chance, that leaves you so venerable for disappointment.

I like to think I'm generally a positive person but perhaps I need to start being more cut throat with certain decisions.

I'd like to start learning a bit more about me and why I am the way I am (aside from the obvious). I think a fresh year will be a good time to start. But for now, I'll continue going to bed with my glass of wine. Anything to survive.

One Love

I watched my Christmas tradition of Love Actually at the weekend. I love that film so much. It's not only Christmasy but it provides lots of hope for love and all that romantic crap (I say crap yet it's what I would love to have!).

The song, One Love, by Blue is in the film and it got me thinking, do you only ever have one true love in life?

I believe no two loves are the same, even if you're one of the parties involved. You love different types of relationships differently. 

I mean I love my sisters and brother like friends, I love my nieces and nephews like a protective mum and I've loved Dean, and boyfriends afterwards very differently. 

I know my relationship with Dean wasn't the healthiest but there's no doubting how much I loved him. 

I've been in relationships with two people after Dean and I told both of them that I loved them. 

At the time, I thought it was true but now I don't think I did. I think I loved the idea of what I thought we could have in the future. 

But why concentrate on the future instead of simply enjoying the present, that's supposed to be the true gift, right?

Maybe I'm thinking about this more because it's approaching Christmas. I love Christmas but it's just not the same anymore. 

It was always a magical time with my family then it was magical with Dean. This will be the fourth Christmas without Dean. It's strange as the past two Christmases I spent with the current boyfriend, but they didn't exactly last. 

I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with sometimes. I'm very sensitive but I think I've slightly earnt that right with everything that's happened. 

I hate the thought of feeling weak and vulnerable again and perhaps that's why I have this 'fiesty' exterior. It's better to protect yourself sometimes. 

I know I also massively over think things. I thought I was much better than I was before, but I know I still overanalysed things too much. 

My dear friend asked me a very direct question last week, he asked me when I'm going to stop running and start dealing with my grief?

He's asked me this a couple of times and I always brush it off, the usual answer is "it's too late now". I seem to think four years is too long a time to pass to then revisit old wounds. 

I'm a hypocrite, I support these mental health charities and I encourage other people to seek support and yet I haven't done it for myself. 

I do feel very lonely if I decide to try and sort this out. Over the years I've lost so many friends and relationships. 

I know sometimes losing some 'friends' has been for the best as they were very negative but keep losing these friendships has made me realise that I'm

not always the easiest person to get along with. 

If I can't hold a friendship down, how am I expect to hold a relationship down?

I've 'dated' some of the sweetest, nicest guys ever and what did I do, I ran away. 

Now I've tried to say I did this because I thought they wouldn't keep me on my toes, or keep me interested but I wonder whether it's more I think I don't deserve to date someone nice?

I don't know what I want when it comes to a relationship. I'm so impatience and intolerant of other people's supposed flaws, and yet I know I am the furthest away from perfect. 

I give out such honest, harsh feedback sometimes and yet I'm the first to get so upset when someone says something negative to me. Am I really that broken?

As I've said in another post, I don't buy into the whole 'new year, new me' but I do think I will dedicate some time to trying to get myself in a healthier place and as my friend said, stop running away!

Dragging the past up...?

I've been working quite a bit recently on mental health awareness and working with the charity CALM. It seems though every time I work on these things, it stirs up old emotions. I'm just wondering whether this is healthy?

I'm always one for self-analysis and trying to figure out whether what I am doing is 'right' or not but sometimes I do think too much!

What has happened in the past, I can not change but I do acknowledge it has completely shaped me as a person and my future.

I started reading through the material I wrote after Dean passed away recently, this is because I did have the idea of potentially writing a book (although I doubt anyone would want to read my gloomy story) and it really made me sad.

I was reading things that I don't remember writing. It wasn't so much the parts I wrote about directly after Dean died, I remember those things as my clearest memories. I remember everything that happened on that day, I remember the funeral clearly and I remember the corners court so well.

It's all the things afterwards like people I dated since and how I felt about them. I have been in two relationships since Dean died and I honestly don't understand how I wrote some of the things I did about how amazing these people were or how much they seemed to be so caring about what I've been through, as they really wasn't.

I think once again, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I want to continue with the work I'm doing with CALM and raising the awareness of mental health and the fact that there is help out there. But equally it actually really hurts when I think about what I've been through.

I know I failed Dean. I should have seen the signs. I shouldn't have argued with him so much and I should have done the things he wanted me to but sadly I had a final burst of stubbornness (which coincidentally is one of the things that has kept me sane since).

I can't change the past but I know I can shape the future.

I know that someone I date in the future, may not be able to relate to what I've been through but I truly hope that they can accept that I was fully committed to someone before them, but I hope they are strong enough to accept this.

I need to realise that this is a part of me and it is ok for me to be upset occasionally when I think about Dean. It's ok to miss him but that doesn't take anything away from anyone else I am romantically interested in.

Sometimes I'm my own worse enemy. There was no manual for how to deal with becoming a widow at 25, so I have made my own rules and have adapted whichever was possible. I forget sometimes how strong I've been.

Maybe sometimes you need to look at the past, to truly move forward...

I saw this on Pinterest and it's made me consider whether actually maybe I've always been the person I am today?

Better the devil you know...

I saw a very interesting picture on Facebook yesterday and it really got me thinking about how I view future romances.

I think sometimes when you are so used to things being a certain way, you can't possible see things being any different. This sounds so vague but let's be honest, I'm used to relationships not exactly being the healthiest.

This doesn't reflect purely on romantic relationships, although my marriage is probably the most prominent reflection I have of what relationships are like, but also includes relationships with friends, parents, siblings etc.

Let's look at trust for a moment. I trusted my sister completely growing up. Only being five years age difference between us, we were pretty close. I know now this wasn't always my sisters choice, but more my Mothers appalling parenting skills and it was easier to palm me off with my sister when she went out.

So I used to enjoy 'hanging out' with my sister and her cool friends. Playing games like hide and seek. Yes, it's all fun and games until one of you (i.e. Me!) walks into a garage door and needs steri strips above her eyes.

For years my sister said it was an accident, but the truth was revealed a few years ago when in fact she purposely pulled the garage door down so I would walk into it whilst trying to find her. No one I have trust issues!

Actually it's an odd one but my trust issues are not your normal 'I don't trust anyone', my probably is I trust people too much. Often that trust is broken but I am very much of the mind-set that I would much rather trust someone fully than always have doubts.

Of course that's backfired on me in the past, let's see my ex using my car to go and see his ex whilst I was travelling, or the same ex sleeping with a colleague shortly after I encouraged and supporting him in getting a new job.

But you can't tare everyone with the same brush.

I like to give people the benefit of the doubt but equally I am of the opinion that people get one second chance then that's it.

Because things haven't exactly been smooth sailing in the past, I now find it very difficult to understand peoples motives when they are being nice to me. This refers back to a previous post about receiving compliments but I always assume someone wants something from me if they are being nice.

Perhaps the reason why I've usually dated the 'standard type' of guys is because you kind of know where you stand with the arse holes. Yes they are usually incredibly good looking and funny but they are also arrogant and are quite happy for their heads to be turned.

So when they mess you around, you expect nothing less.

So here poses the problem with the 'nice guys'. I've already pushed a very 'nice' guy away before. He was very lovely and would have treated me like the perfect lady but when you're used to being kept on your toes, nice doesn't seem exciting.

Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment or maybe I like the thrill of the chase a bit but sadly nice might keep you warm at night but it's the difference between a warm fluffy blanket and a roaring fire.

I know that there is this 'inbetween' person out there. The person who is the perfect gentleman but will also call me on my flaws. This is perhaps a person that I am not used to at all, hence why it's pretty scary.

When you're used to things being a certain way, change can be daunting. I like to see myself as pretty adaptable but I also know I am a complete stubborn mare sometimes.

To survive, evolve and get the most from life you have to be able to move with the times. The ability to take on-board feedback and move with the times is one of the biggest attributes you can have. It's difficult sometimes but I want to ensure I am the best that I can possibly be.