Ciao Ciao

So some of you may have noticed that I haven't posted on my blog for a while. And some of you may have also noticed (if we're friends on Facebook or IG) that I have been posting pictures with a certain hot Italian.

Well it's come to that time to say ciao to this single girls blog. Yes, it's official my Mr. Italian asked me to be his Princess a few weeks ago.

Considering it had been nearly two and half years since someone had officially asked me to be in a relationship, it was a scary yet exciting time.

I'm pretty happy sharing my disastrous dating stories with everyone but when it comes to being in a relationship, I like to be more private.

People who know me know that I'm an open book. If I'm annoyed, you know about it. And equally if I'm happy, you'll see it.

I like the fact that Marco (I can't keep calling him Mr. Italian!) is also very open and honest. I like sharing cute pictures on Facebook and I love how he's introducing me to his friends. And when it comes to being honest, the man is brutally honest!

I do have a tendency to run away with my emotions but I'm just taking things as they come. I hate it when other people set rules on what you should or shouldn't do in a relationship. What works for one couple may not work for another.

I have some great people in my life whom I know care a lot about me and they have my best interests at heart. I will always take on-board peoples opinions however it doesn't mean I need to action them.

Although it's early days, I'm looking forward to what lies ahead. We've already arranged two trips to Italy this year so I'll be able to meet his friends and family and also explore the place he called home for 20 years.

You never know what the future holds so for now I'm living my life one day at a time.

It's been fun sharing my journey with you guys but for now ciao!!

Take a chance on me

It seems most of my blog posts are inspired through (random) songs. I was listening to Abba over the weekend and I thought 'take a chance one me' seemed pretty appropriate.


I think I mentioned before about a first date where the guy spoke constantly, he didn't give me a chance to speak at all. Well I decided to give him another chance and so far it's been great.


Me being the very honest person that I am, explained to Italiano (so subtle) that it seemed like he wasn't interested in me as he was constantly talking. He said he was but I still wasn't convinced.


Anyway I thought he seemed very sweet and keen so I decided to meet again. We had the most perfect date! He took me to the bar at the top of The Shard and we had bubbles. It wasn't just the setting that made it perfect, it was the fact that we were both so relaxed and both talking so easily.


Italiano explained how he wasn't feeling that great last time we met and that was probably why he didn't seem so engaging. But considering I rated that date as my second worst first date, our second date was absolutely my best second date (still with me?).


I learnt quite a few lessons from my experience with M and one of them was to be reserved and not to fully trust someone straight away. I think I've been like that so far and that has helped with us connecting.


Things just seem to be running a lot smoother than they usually do. We're always texting or on FaceTime, we've seen each other for last minute plans and so far this week we've agreed to see each other three times already.


I'm holding back a bit but it really does feel nice. The excitement has grown and it'll be nice to see what the future holds.


Fingers crossed I won't be doing these posts for much longer.

"I like children but I couldn't eat a whole one".

That 'phrase' I grew up with, do you know who used to say that to me, my father! So it probably makes sense why I am not so sure whether I would like children or not.

I honestly think most people know whether they want children or not from a young age. My sister Tammey, always wanted to be a mother - and she's a great one. I think some people just know that they want little mini me's.

I have never been 100% sure about whether I do or do not want children. The fact that I don't have children shows I've been very careful not to have a child. I do have very strong views about having children, I would want to be in a loving, stable marriage before I consider having children.

I don't think I could cope with being a single parent. I have so much respect for single parents as they have such a difficult job. Actually, it's difficult to explain without sounding like a bitch but I don't agree with women trying to trap a man by having a child or I don't agree with women who have unprotected sex and don't care either way if they have a child.

I respect the women who didn't choose to be a single parent but it was thrown upon them. Maybe they've been widow, or divorce or they simply fell for the wrong arsehole man who lead them on.

Even throughout my marriage, I knew it wouldn't have been right to have a child with Dean. I think he wanted children but our relationship wasn't the healthiest so I don't think it would have been the best environment to bring a child into.

Something M said to me which stuck me was that I was only a girl (not a women) because I don't have children. I was naturally really offended by this. The fact that I've not wanted to have a child with a man that was wrong for me, makes me sensible, clever and certainly more of a women than a silly girl having a child to try and keep a man.

I'm not even sure why I'm worrying about the idea of having children or not. It's not something I am currently in a position to act upon. I will always stick to my views of not having children outside of wedlock. I can't even attract a decent man to date so let alone any wedding bells in the near future.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm approaching 30 and I thought my life would be figured out by now but if you think about it, I could live till I'm 90 so I'm only a third of my life in. I've got plenty more time to consider children.

I just find it interesting that I honestly don't know whether I do actually want children. I keep thinking maybe if I meet the right man, then I will know for sure but honestly would I? I seem to mirror quite easily what the other person wants.

I just wonder how other people feel, did you know for sure you wanted children or did it just happen?

I found this helpful flow chart to help me decide. The sleep has won it!!

Another one bites the dust

My astounding luck with men has struck again. Honestly it's unbelievable how shitty my ability to choose a good man is. 

I once again fell for the idea of something that I thought it could be, when actually it just wouldn't have worked. 

I fell for the charm, the 'honesty' and yes the looks. 

M managed to play me well. I liked how honest he had been with me. I mean explaining that he has four children by three different women was a big thing. And just in general, he seemed refreshingly honest.

However, all the times he seemed to be being honest was utter bollocks. 

When I asked him if he was dating anyone else, he said no just one person at a time. So you can imagine my surprise when he tells me he's getting close to someone else. 

I liked how he said about taking things slow and being friends first but I thought it was more. Friends don't kiss, friends don't talk so intimately and they don't keep saying about a 'future' together. 

Of course I was initially disappointed that yet again I've chosen an arsehole but actually it's a blessing in disguise. 

A decent man would not introduce a women he has just started to date (because yes they were bloody dates!) to his children. Actually only 50% of the sprogs. 

And a decent man who knows just how much I've been through in the past, would not lead me on. 

I think this experience has taught me some good lessons. I have to stop being too open so early. 

I tell people about my past up front but actually I shouldn't need to. It's such a personal experience and it's not something that should effect a future relationship. 

I'm also too open in the sense of being available. If I like someone then I will make myself free for them. So that may mean cancelling other plans or being too freely accessible. 

A dear friend of mine explained how guys like the chase. They like knowing they've worked hard for something and it's not just given up so easily. 

I've also learnt not to be so trusting too soon. I used to always trust someone until they gave me a reason not to but now I need to do it the other way round. 

That doesn't mean I'll be questioning someone all the time but it just means not believing everything people say. 

I'm going to be more reserved in the future. I want to hold my cards, closer to my chest. 

I've also learnt that I am completely off internet dating. I'm sure there are some lovely, genuine people on the sites/apps but sadly I've met far too many not so nice people to give it another chance. 

I used to believe in second chances but not when it comes to Internet dating. 

Hopefully these lessons I've learnt due to M will help me in the future to find someone decent. 

I'm not giving up on finding someone nice, I know it will happen but I think I need a few tweeks first. 

Do you know what 15th February is?

Yes you're right it's a Monday - the first day of the week! (Not like the crazies who think the week starts on a Sunday) but would you believe it is also National Singles Awareness Day - SAD for short!

Can you actually bloody believe there is a whole day dedicated to being single?

Now let's be honest, the person who can up with the actual name is clearly in a relationship, the irony of calling the day after bloody Valentines day a singles day with the acronym SAD - pure evil gloating.

I did not know such a day even existed. If it wasn't for my procrastination of looking at the Daily Mail online (don't judge!) then I wouldn't have known that all my fellow singletons (a name I loath) would be 'celebrating' this Monday.

I started to read the article, I got maybe four paragraphs in and wanted to through my stapler at my screen (not recommended for company property). The article has some beauties such as "You choose the people you go out with, you stay in bad relationships, you’re the one glaring at people who smile at you in hopes of a conversation and a date". And "Believing in ‘The One’ is a dangerous concept. It makes people stay in bad relationships when they should leave and is about as helpful as believing in the tooth fairy". Next they'll be telling you Santa Claus isn't real!

Honestly who wrote this shit?!? I think whoever did write it, should read this blog and realise that every single person is not the same. And also it's not as easy as it bloody looks!

I rarely pay myself a compliment but I know I am not exactly Fiona from Shriek in the looks department and, despite what I've been through in the past, I'm also no Alex from Fatal Attraction. However, I still struggle to find (and keep) a decent man.

The article says you shouldn't have a 'type' and to a certain extent I don't. There are certain things I find attractive in a man such as being tall (5'8" +), being in shape (that's more about both being into fitness/being active) and a nice smile.

I don't think this is asking for too much? I saw recently on IG a picture and it was basically saying how girls disregard the men that don't fit there 'standards' and yet these men are not the ones with make up on, fake eyelashes, fake tan etc etc.

I certainly understand this logic, you shouldn't disregard someone who isn't your idea of 'perfect' but I also think, why settle?

By settling for something less than you deserve, you're selling yourself short. I know perfection doesn't exist, and frankly I'd get bored too easily with it. But I do believe you should be with someone you want to be with, you should be with your equal.

I have always disliked Valentines day - even when I was in a relationship. There was always the pressures of having the 'perfect' day. These pressures were not always from within the relationship but often from other people asking what you're going to do and the 'competition' of doing the most romantic thing.

It's utterly pathetic!! Seriously if you're with someone then you should want to do nice things for each other regardless of the date. It should be extra especial on your anniversary as that's unique to the two of you.

I miss the little things like someone running a bath for me and putting candles in the bathroom or someone making my lunch for me to take to work. I don't miss receiving a single red rose to work (especially when the guys mocked asking where are the other 11 roses!).

A question that I've asked myself lately is, am I happy being single? The answer to this is yes and no.

As I am currently single, then yes I am happy with the life I lead. I've mentioned it before that there are certain perks such as being able to starfish in bed and not being accountable to anyone but myself.

But if I look at it differently, would I want to be in a relationship with the right person, absolutely. I'm loving the excitement of getting to know M and all the potential possibilities a future may hold but naturally I'm also bloody scared.

I am very much used to being single so the thought of truly letting someone in, and opening myself up to potentially being hurt again, is frightening. However, I won't allow that fear to stop me trying.

Something I am working on is trying to be more positive about what may happen. I keep saying how realistic I am, but I hide behind this as my realism is often negative.

I think the jist of the article was about how some single people blame everyone else for their single status instead of accepting the blame themselves.

I guess there have been some instances in the past where I have blamed my lousy date on the person I was with, where maybe part of the blame lied with me. Perhaps I didn't try hard enough or wasn't engaging enough. Although let's be honest, you can't polish a turd.

I showed my colleague the article and she gave me a little overview of it. One of the things she mentioned was the 'spark'. Apparently the spark doesn't exist. I have wrote about the spark before and it damn well should exist, it just needs to be realistic.

If you're single, and this spark to you is the whole fireworks and feeling a fundamental connection from the moment you meet then you've watched far too many films and you will be bitterly disappointed.

However, if you're a realist like me, then you realise all this spark means is you have a connection - simple as that. That connection could be anything. It could be you are physically attracted to one another (although just this will not make a relationship last) or it could be that you find it easy to be open and talk to each other freely.

The latter is far more important to me. However, being honest you do still need to be physically attracted to someone. Again it's a matter of being realistic.

Before M, my last date was with this young, attractive guy who happened to be a model. At first I had no idea why he wanted to meet me (my insecurities talking again) but I figured I'll roll with it and meet up. I saw him, and yes he was very good looking but that was it.

He spent the whole night talking about himself - it was the dullest two hours of my life! I wouldn't have minded if it was a two way conversation but literally he asked me one question about me (which I bet he doesn't even remember the answer too).

That to me proves that I am not shallow and just interested in looks. I do want the whole package but the whole package has to be realistic (that word again!).

I don't know why this whole SAD thing has bothered me? I think it's annoyed me that they feel that all singles are alike and we're sad (not intentional) about being single. I hate people putting words into my mouth so that has got my back up a bit.

It's also bothered me that there are so many important awareness days, such as Suicide Awareness Day on 10th September, that having a stupid meaningless day about being single detracts from other important days.

Will I be celebrating Valentines day this year? No. I'm still single (this damn taking things slowly and 'seeing what happens' thing) but I really am not bothered. Instead I'll be celebrating my brother-in-laws birthday!

Will I be celebrating Single Awareness Day - Fuck No!!! I do not need to acknowledge the fact that I am single with a special day. If anything, I may celebrate the fact that V Day is over and I can start checking out which Easter egg I want to buy.

Willpower

I feel like I literally have no willpower. This post for example, I said to myself I would write it after 5:00pm after I finish work, I haven't even got the willpower to wait 30 minutes to moan about my lack of willpower!!

If I can't wait half an hour then what hope do I have when it comes to dieting? It's no wonder when I start a 14 day diet, I'm usually finished in three days. You would think that is a good achievement but apparently it's not when it comes to calorie counting.

Because I've been off work for the past four weeks recovering from the operation on my foot, I had all the best intentions of eating healthily so I would at least not put more weight on whilst I can't exercise properly.

My logic on Sunday is a classic example of the little angel on one shoulder and the naughty devil on the other. I ordered a pizza for lunch. I figured if I buy the medium pizza, garlic bread, wedges and cookies for £14.99 not only does it make financial sense (my usual small pizza is £9.99 so only 1/3 more and I get so much more!) but I can have it for both lunch and dinner. Surely that's saving pounds in both sense, right?

I have a way of talking myself into anything. Women's logic at the best of times is bad enough but add into the mix hangry (yes that's the feeling I get when I'm hungry - angry!), emotional (good old PMS at it's best) and generally craziness - and it's a recipe for disaster.

My latest annoyance with my lack of willpower is texting a certain someone. I hate these games you seem to play when you're getting to know someone. Long gone are the days of picking up the phone to just chat or sending a little text to see what they are up to, everything is read into!

I thought it was just women that over think things but a few conversations with M has made me realise men also over think. Maybe over think isn't the right word. It' hard to explain but they have certain 'rules'.

For example, M said he finds it odd when people just call him without saying that they are going to call. He also said he would be furious if someone just turned up on his door step without arranging to visit first - this included his family!

I joked saying I know not to waste my one phone call on him if I ever get arrested. So he makes these comments and then does what, calls (actually FaceTime) me out of the blue. Obviously it was nice but talk about double standards.

I hate rules and games when it comes to dating but I'm starting to realise that perhaps I can be a bit too forward when getting to know someone. I know the thrill of the case is half the excitement and I also know that the air of mystery is also alluring but I don't seem to possess these skills when it comes to dating someone I actually like.

It's classic really! Someone I am not really too sure on, I may not text back right away or cancel a date last minute. This seems to keep them interested. So the ones I don't want, I'm making them interested in me more...

Whereas, someone I do like I come across as too keen. I want to help everyone and I've fallen foal of this in the past. Like lending money to someone I barely know and ending up having to take him to court to repay me or offering someone to stay with me for a few days whilst his house is being redecorated. I'm being nice but I'm also opening myself up to be taken advantage off.

By trying to help people it either looks like I'm trying too hard or I'm just an easy ticket. I mean you can't possibly simply be a nice person and what you give out to the universe,  what you wish to get back. That would be far too simple and logical.

What I'm currently worried about is being seen as being too nice. I know that sounds crazy, and there are far worse things to be called, but by being too nice and offering too much too soon I could be seen as needy - which I'm not. I just want to help people.

I need to stop taking on other peoples problems. I don't do things to receive back but if we're being honest, a lot of people I offer to help probably wouldn't be there for me in my time of need.

So the moral of this post, stop being so nice!!

Crazy in love...

I do love this song, most appropriate lyrics has to be "Got me looking so crazy right now...". I think love/lust whatever you want to call it, can make the most sane person seem, well, bat sh*t crazy!

I haven't been in love for a very long time. Since Dean I have said 'I love you' to two boyfriends. However, I'm not sure whether I did fully love them or just loved the idea of what the future could have been like.

Dating makes the most normal girl (and I'm pretty sure some guys too) into irrational wrecks. I know I have a nasty habit of overthinking things at the best of times but when it comes to dating, it's even more heightened.

A prime example of this was a recent text conversation with M. M and I have been chatting for about a month now, we've been on three lovely dates and we seem to be privy to each others 'interesting' pasts.

I, reading into everything as usual, had noticed that our text conversations had become a little stilted over the past few days. M has so much going on at work and home at the moment, I know the whole situation and have even offered any help I can give him, yet because our conversation wasn't flowing as usual, I said he seems 'off'.

Being the mature guy he is, he simply said 'Just tired, Don't analyze. It's text. There's no tone lol'. Why can't every man be this direct.

Now do we think this is going to stop me worrying, probably not. I frustrate the hell out of myself! I am an independent, career women who travels the World yet when it comes to a guy I actually like, I'm a nightmare.

Luckily I tend to keep my insecure thoughts to myself so fingers crossed guys don't see my issues (or read this blog!).

Friends have told me before to relax and go with it but I actually don't know what a 'normal' relationship is like. I'm not in a relationship with M, it's only been three dates but he certainly is someone I like being around and he actually feels like my equal.

I can't believe I actually think that! Throughout the numerous people I've dated, all I've wanted is to find someone I feel equal to.

I've dated guys in the past where I have felt inferior as they had a much better paid job than me or were more intelligent than me. And on the flip side, I've dated guys that have never left the UK so because of my travels I feel more Worldly than them.

Being equal doesn't mean you both have to earn the same amount of money or both have the same level of intelligence - although you have to be pretty close. It simply means you can work with each others strengths and weaknesses. It's hard to explain, I think you just know if you're an equal in a relationship.

Getting back to the craziness, I read the best book a while ago called 'Read Bottom Up'. It's about a girl and guy who start dating. It shows the communications (text and emails) between them and also between their friends. It shows how men and women read things so differently (as if there is a tone to a text! Who would be foolish enough to think that?).

I know sometimes half the battle of these things is being aware of the issue. I know I read into things too much so now I need to learn how to just relax and go with the flow. It's nice having supportive people around you who can understand your craziness.

My Dad sent me this the other day... Sums it all up really!!