Thank god thats over

I am usually so excited when it comes to Christmas. I love the lights, all the yummy treats and buying nice presents for my friends and family. But this year has totally sucked!

I went to a Christmas market in Cologne at the end of November, this was supposed to be the start of the Christmas season. Unfortunately it was a nightmare! I ended up being so ill with a sore neck and shoulders, which ended with me having physio, and I had some horrible bug. Needless to say, it wasn't a fun trip.

It was the first Christmas in my new house. I thought about it as a fresh start. I wanted to cook dinner for my parents and that went very well (except for over boiling my potatoes thanks to Mother).

Maybe because work has been incredibly busy, it just didn't have it's magical feeling this year. Normally you're able to have quite a few cheeky long lunches or lots of drinks after work but the week leading to Christmas, I was working till pretty late. I was more excited about having some time off work than actually looking forward to Christmas.

I went to the crematorium on Christmas eve. It was pretty busy with lots of people visiting their loved ones who have passed away. I place a Tasmanian devil magnet and lit a candle for Dean (I haven't heard about a fire over there so hopefully the candle was ok).

Perhaps the fact that I wasn't in the house we lived in together, may also have something to do with the fact that it didn't feel like Christmas.

Dean used to really like Christmas, or he at least always made it special for me. I think that's what I really miss about a relationship. I miss the fact that someone is there to look after you and make things feel special.

I was feeling so sorry for myself on Christmas day. I woke up alone (well that's a fib as Shiloh was with me) and the first person to actually say "Merry Christmas" to me, was a stranger over the park.

After a few 'woo is me' thoughts, I mentally slapped myself. Here I am, sitting in my gorgeous house, after cooking a lovely meal, spending time with parents when there are so many people out there that don't have a home, don't have enough food to feed themselves or their family and some also have lots loved ones.

I like to thing I'm pretty robust and strong so when I do feel bad about things, I hate it. I feel so weak and then realise that I have so much to be thankful for.

This Christmas was different from my last ones, and let's be honest next Christmas will also be different. So from now on, I'm going to be more thankful. Different doesn't have to be a bad thing.