Another one bites the dust

Yes another one to add to the reject pile. I should have seen this post coming but it's still very frustrating to write.

I was 'seeing' (one of the many wonderful dating terminologies) someone for about six weeks. It all started very innocently and to be honest, initially I didn't think anything of it but it's always the 'nice' guys that reel you in.

This one was definitely not my usual type (although lets be honest, my usual type hasn't exactly been working so well for me). My usual type is often based initially on looks. It's the standard tall, dark hair and muscly - this guy was polar opposite.

But I figured he seems nice so as we started to chat, things seemed to be heading in some sort of 'forward' direction.

The alarm bells were there from the beginning. I thought dating someone opinionated would be good. It would mean perhaps some healthy debates and not someone who would be walked all over. I didn't expect to be challenged on every opinion I have.

It wasn't just the debating that was an issue, it was the subtle put downs. Little things like 'Oh would you really wear THAT dress?' or 'Argg why would you want to go to THAT restaurant?'. I appreciate everyone has different opinions but it's really not nice to make people feel inadequate.

Now, that could be blamed on me. If I am strong enough with my thoughts and beliefs, then no one could make me doubt myself however I'm not strong enough.

I don't know whether it's just this time of year, or this last dating experience but it has bought up some deep seeded issues for me again.

A close friend of mine ask me a very direct question the other week, he asked me when I was going to deal with my grief instead of running away from it and I think he's right.

I know I have flaws, I have flaws like everyone else. I am very aware of my flaws and yet I still allow myself to be made to feel inferior because of these.

I think it takes a strong person to admit that they are insecure at times. I don't fully understand all of my insecurities. I am not a jealous person. If I am with someone that I trust 100% and I saw them flirting with a friend, it wouldn't bother me but I think the issue I have when it comes to those types of insecurities is respect.

Not only do I need to have respect for myself and for others, anyone with me has to respect me. They have to respect my past and my present. I am not perfect, nor would I want to be but you should respect the person for who they are.

I've felt under a lot of pressure lately. I love my job but it's incredibly busy and I don't always feel like I have the right support. I also feel like time is running away from me. There are so many things I'd like to do like see my family more, go to the gym or simply watch a film and chill out on the sofa but none of those seem viable at the moment.

Dean used to really like Christmas. It was a special time for us. Our last Christmas together was really special and ironically, Dean bought me my eternity ring that year.

I don't believe in the whole 'New year, new start' but perhaps the new year will be a good opportunity to re-evaluate what is working well in my life and would could be improved.

I said before that there were alarm bells from the start with the last guy I dated, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I honestly don't know why I always do that. If you give people a chance, that leaves you so venerable for disappointment.

I like to think I'm generally a positive person but perhaps I need to start being more cut throat with certain decisions.

I'd like to start learning a bit more about me and why I am the way I am (aside from the obvious). I think a fresh year will be a good time to start. But for now, I'll continue going to bed with my glass of wine. Anything to survive.