He's just not that into you

I've just watched this film again and it's so funny! I love it because it's so honest and, up until the end, it's pretty accurate. 

We do it all the time, we obsess over why he hasn't called. And now because we are so 'switched on' we know it would be very rare for him to run out of battery, loss your contact details or lose his phone all together.

Online research (sounds much nicer than stalking) is made so simple these days. Take what's app for example, you can see when someone was last online, you can see what time they read your message and you can even see if they are typing a reply. 

They say knowledge is power but sometimes it's simply too much! The fact that you can see that someone has read your message but hasn't bothered to reply, can really knock your confidence.

One of the biggest problems with modern dating is the fact that people are not honest. Well not everyone is not honest, annoyingly I am far too honest. I would much rather be too honest than lie to people.

I think when it comes to dating, especially early on, you sometimes need to be a little more reserved. Perhaps that's something I need to work on.

The film reminded me how when we speak to our friends about dating, they always try to passify us. I know they mean well but sometimes honesty is the best way forward.

If you are telling your friend about this great guy that said he'd call but then he doesn't, it's much better to say actually maybe he changed his mind or is seeing someone else than it is to say he may have lost your number.

My sister has been very honest a few times with me. And funny enough, I've sometimes taken it the wrong way. I've said about seeing a guy and then not not hearing from him, and she's said maybe he was married. Ok sounds harsh but it could sadly be true.

I think being honest is a good thing, it can be harsh sometimes but in the long run its better. Being honest with yourself is the most important.

We are own worst critic and it's important to be kind to yourself whilst remaining honest. I'm enjoying being brutally honest with myself as I think the more you learn about yourself, the more you can be open to someone else.

Time to empty the trash can

Yesterday I had my first counselling session. Well it wasn't my first ever counselling session but it's the first one for this 'round'.

This is a really personal journey and although I won't share everything on this blog, I do want to share some things. It might help explain why I am, the way I am some times.

It's always difficult replaying what has happened in the past but I know I haven't dealt with it properly. I think initially after Dean passed away, I went through the motions as though it was a 'tick box' exercise but there really isn't a manual for how to deal with grief.

Yesterday made me see things differently. Enough time has passed for me to now fully look at things without being so angry. Before everything was just a cloud of red. At times, I hated Dean for what he did but now I need to understand and accept it.

I felt a bit like a traitor though as when I was explaining some of the things Dean did like lock me in the house (apparently accidentally of course), purposely remove our wedding picture from the wall and put it on the floor when we'd had an argument and he was supposed to be staying away for a few days and ripping his TV off the wall, leaving a big hole in the wall, when he was losing at his Playstation game.

I know I'm only explaining what happened from my point of view, and I'm sure Dean would have seen things differently but sadly he can't put his side of the argument across.

I found out after the inquest that Deans ex moved away up North because Dean was harassing her, he was effectively stalking her according to his Mum. And when I explained how Dean has pursued me so much in the begining, the counsellor said it was a similar type of stalking. I didn't like this idea as I don't think Dean meant anything other than he wanted to date me.

My sister sees it completely differently. She sees it as Dean had 'love at first sight' with me. From stalking to love are very different.

I think this counselling journey is going to be really tough but as the counsellor explained, I have a trash can which I keep filling up. It started long before Dean, then obviously everything that happened with Dean was filling it up, and of course the failed relationships and rejections since Dean has gone has added even more.

Sometimes in life you have to make difficult decisions to help move forward. I know it'll be two steps forward and three steps back but I also know it's really important to do this.

So please wish me luck and bare with my craziness.

I should be a magician

I've decided I've completely missed a trick here but I could definitely be a magician. My latest magic trick was making someone disappear - poof!! Vanished.

Yes, you've guessed it, Mr J has gone AWOL. I have come up with a number of logical reasons as to why he is missing in action, these include the following;

1. He was abducted by aliens.
2. He's been kidnapped by the Russian Mafia (Sorry the Russians always get the blame).
3. He's been arrested for an offence relating to the Proceeds of Crime Act 2002 (purely picked that act out of thin air... nothing to do with his job or anything!).

There are other potential scenarios, I mean he may have actually been in an accident and hurt (I really hope that, and the others above, are not the case). But more likely what's happened, in the words of Greg Behrendt is "He's just not that into you".

Obviously, that is the case here but this is a classic example of how fucked up modern age dating is!!

I did the post about our second date and it honestly was lovely. I don't believe in the 'perfect' date but there wasn't anything about the date that I would have change.

We had a lovely time chatting, we held hands as we were walking along and we shared a nice good night kiss.

I've spoken to Mr J since our date, everything seemed fine. He checked to see if I was ok after my operation and we arranged for him to come round on Friday so we could watch a movie and have a take away together. So then how did it get to radio silence?

I won't bore you with the full dissection of the interaction we had but there was nothing that I can think of that would make him not want to talk to me.

Actually, that's a slight lie. I told him about Dean on our date. This is another issue that yet again keeps coming up, when do I bring up the topic of the dead husband?

We were having a conversation and he mentioned about how we've both never been married before, I felt like I couldn't agree with that because it's a lie. It's so difficult knowing when to mention my past but a comment like that made me feel like I have to be honest and say.

I'm not ashamed of being married before. Just because I found someone I loved very early on and made the life long decision to be married, doesn't deter from the fact that I could love someone else in the future. I hope that most decent men would not be put off by my past.

Mr J seemed to take what I said well. In fact, he was very sympathetic and he even told me how he has been affected by someones suicide in the past. I felt it helped us talking about it.

If that isn't the reason for him not speaking to me then I honestly don't know what it is? I said from the beginning that I thought he was a little out of my league (to which a few lovely people had a go at me for being silly) but again I don't think he thought that, it was just a little bit of my insecurities which I tend to hide well.

Either way, this is going to be another one of life's little mysteries. Similar to what was the best thing before sliced bread? And how comes abbreviation is such a long word?

All the single ladies...

I absolutely love that song by Beyoncé but whenever it comes on at a party and I look around and see all these 'not-so-single' ladies dancing, I feel slightly annoyed.

I mean, come on guys, I don't dance to any of your smushy 'love' songs. No, you don't see me there in the corner truffle shuffling to 'Amazed' by Lonestar. So why steal my thunder with my song?!

That song was playing on the radio this morning and it got me thinking about 'all my single ladies', you know all my friends that are single and guess what the grand total is zero! I literally have no single friends.

I have some lovely friends but they are all married with children. I love spending time with them but it usually involves dinner with my friend, her hubby and the little one or going to some indoor play area. It's great fun, and I always get to be the fun cool aunty but I do miss my drinking buddies.

Having single friends isn't all about going out, on the prowl to find a man. That isn't my style. Yes it would be nice to occasionally go out for drinks and dancing with the potential to chat to some nice guys but it's more about being able to share the whole being single experience with someone (anyone!).

Being single is completely different from being in a relationship. I know since I was last in a relationship, I have changed so much. I also know that I don't want to go back to being just one half of a couple (if that makes sense). 

I want to still be Becky. I'll be Becky, the sister, Becky, the daughter, Becky, the friend, Becky, the aunty. When you get in a relationship, it's so easy to slip into just being with that one person fully. I mean, you may still see your friends and family but I bet you'll still be thinking about your partner or texting them.

I hate not having someone to vent to about the frustrations of dating. Don't get me wrong, I like being single and doing whatever I wish to do but in the right relationship, I should still be free to do what I want to do. I'm not talking about doing naughty things, I'm just talking about spending time on my own or making my own decisions.

2015 saw me fall out with some of my friends. And although I miss their company (occasionally) I don't miss their friendship. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but they were never true friends.

One of these friends was completely insecure and I would try and help her feel better but I disagreed with her constant cheating on her boyfriend and having to sleep with men to feel better about herself. When someone tries to put me down, to make themselves feel better that's not a friend.

I know I'm not perfect. I'm a complete pain in the arse sometimes, I wind people up and I don't even mean to. I'm too honest for my own good. I get too excited by things, and I know some people see that as me showing off but I'm genuinely not like that. People that actually know me, realise that I would do anything for my friends, I'd always put them first. 

When you don't have any single friends, it's difficult trying to meet people in the normal way. I actually despise using these dating apps. They are a complete waste of time! I constantly get messages from people who I wouldn't be interested in, in real life. That's not just a looks things but shared interests don't seem to be there either.

At the moment, I'm stuck indoors so I am looking on these apps more and I just seem even more disheartened. 

People say (always those in relationships) that you should stop looking for something and just let it be but that's pretty difficult sometimes. I will have been single for two years come this May. That might not sound that long but it is for me.

I don't think I'm a bad catch. I'm kind, funny, caring, I'm ok looking so I have no idea why I struggle to find someone nice?

I hate playing games so if I like someone, I'll let them know. I don't know whether that is an issue, I'm too keen too early? Now, I'm not saying I propose marriage and babies after a few dates but I will be proactive and suggest another date, since when is being proactive being 'too keen'?

There has to be other ways of meeting single people, if anyone has any suggestions please feel free to let me know. 

Recovery sucks.

On Tuesday I finally had my operation for my bunion removal. The lump had been hurting me for a few years now but not too bad. I went to see a consultant and he told me I have to have the surgery sooner rather than later as it was damaging the tendions in my toes.

The operation went well. I had it done at Hartswood hospital in Brentwood. Luckily I get Bupa through work so it was very straight forward to book in and everything went really smoothly on the day.

As soon as I arrived at the hospital, I was pretty much taken to my room right away. From then on it was a blur of nurses taking my vitals, taking swabs for MRSA, fitting me with stockings and gowns. They are all so organised and everything was done so quickly. I had some time before I was taken down so I just watched some TV and relaxed.

I was wheeled into theatre on my bed, it was literally opposite my room so I didn't have much time to think. As soon as I was in the room ready for the anaesthetist, I started to cry. I guess I was just really nervous about the operation.

The nurses were so lovely and was getting me to say I was on an island, asking me who I was with. When I said Olly Murs, apparently it was the wrong answer and I should have said my doctors name. It was nice how they made me calm. Before I even knew it, the tingly feeling was going up my arm and I was away with the fairies.

I woke up as 14:30. I couldn't believe how quickly it was over with. It was less than an hour to do the operation and for me to wake up. When I woke up, I started to cry again. I was crying because it felt like Dean was there.

I wasn't scared that he was there, I don't even think I was happy. I think I was just sad. Another reminder that he actually isn't here at all.

The drugs wore off pretty quickly and I was awake, eating my sandwich and walked to the toilet pretty quickly. Dad came and collected me about 6:00pm.

The consultant told me that my foot would be bandaged up for six weeks. I thought it was only in a bandage for two weeks, then the stitches came out and I just had to wear the boot but sadly not.

I have another appointment on 2nd February to remove the stitches and change the bandage. Hopefully by then, I will be able to drive.

I thought I'd be up and about pretty quickly, but sadly not. The co-codamol is pretty strong. If I take two, then within 15-20 minutes, I'm knocked out. My face is tingly and I just sleep for hours. I've started taking only one at a time but the pain is still there. It's a difficult one to balance.

Boredom has kicked in pretty quickly. I've only been watching Netflix and a little colouring, I can't seem to do anything else. As soon as I put my foot down, it starts to throb. If I have to walk to the bathroom, it's sore or if I want a cup of tea, it's sore.

I'm used to being so active. When the consultant told me I can't exercise for three months, I couldn't believe it! He said no 'high impact' so at my next appointment I want to clarify what he means.

Now would be a nice time for someone to be looking after me. Someone checking in and maybe coming round to relax with me. I've had family and friends pop round, which has been nice. My sister is great looking after me (despite her being on crutches too) and another lovely friend is popping round with ice cream for me later.

I'm a bit disappointed, Mr. J was supposed to come round this evening to see me yet I haven't heard from him in a few days. This whole dating thing completely baffles me! We get along very well and he seemed pretty interested, yet I've heard nothing from him in a few days.

I know it's only a few days but when you communicate each day it doesn't make sense to then not reply. I guess I should be used to the wacky world of dating but it's still disheartening. I actually think I'm a pretty simple, relaxed girl yet it seems so complicated to find someone nice to date.

I don't want to give up all together but I do sometimes wonder "what's the point?". I know I'm too honest, I don't play games and maybe that's what people want. I like to treat people with respect but why should I bother when other people don't treat me the same?

Well that was nice

Yesterday I went on a second date with Mr Johnson (clearly not his name!) and I was pleasantly surprised.

My usual first date is a quick drink to see if you 'get along'. Mr J and I went for a drink before I went to Abu Dhabi and it was really nice.

Sadly more often than not, when you meet someone for the first time from a dating app it usually doesn't lead to anything. I've met people and they've either not looked like their pictures or I just haven't felt any 'spark' towards them. So that's why it was promising with Mr J.

We met in the afternoon and we found a nice little place to have a drink (we were both driving so non-alcoholic) along the river Thames. It was bitterly cold so it was nice being all cosy inside the bar.

After some time, we moved onto a lovely restaurant along the Thames. I was looking out towards the river and the lights were so lovely to look at - my date wasn't too bad to look at either. 

I felt very at ease and happy spending time with Mr J. We both have a huge passion for travel and it's great swapping stories of our past travels and discussing future plans.

I know I am very picking when it comes to people I date. I didn't realise I was that picky before but I think my standards are pretty high. I guess the reason for this is because I've settled for much lower standards before (remember the short cheating scumbag?!) and because I am happy being independent so I have no reason to settle for anything less.

Of late, I haven't really been that interested in dating. I'm getting pretty bored of using the apps like Tinder and POF but equally I have missed having someone to just talk to. It's nice waking up in the morning and having a good morning text or having someone wish you a 'sweet dreams'.

That's why it's quite exciting chatting and spending time with Mr J. I am a bit pessimistic when it comes to dating, so I don't expect anything 'serious' to happen with Mr J but equally I am hopeful. Either way I am happy so that' all what matters.

Watch this space...

Pro and cons of being single

I thought I'd share some of my pros and cons to life as a singleton. 

Pros:

1. Having the whole King size bed to just myself... Ok also with Jeff and Shiloh. 

You're probably wondering who is Jeff? He's my faithful teddy bear which I've had for 15 years. 

And of course Shiloh is my gorgeous doggy. 

It's nice having the bed to myself. If I shared it with a boy (yuck) then I think he'd find it odd me spooning Jeff whilst Shiloh sleeps under the covers (don't judge!).

2. Full control of the remote. I don't think sports has ever been on in my house (expect for the rugby but I wanted to see how talented those athelets are - it had nothing to do with those tight shorts and huge shoulders). 

I can watch Dinner Date, First Dates and Take Me Out whilst scribbling notes without judgement. 

3. No shaving required! In winter, it's acceptable to let my leg hair grow for an extra layer against the cold. 

I think this is perfectly acceptable as I don't have anyone (other than Jeff) to spoon with on those cold nights. 

4. Accountable to no one. There is no one (other than Daddy sometimes) who I have to let know what time I'll be home or explain all those shopping bags too. 

I can do what I want, when I want. 

5. No need to justify myself. This is similar to point 4 I guess by being able to wear what I want (without being called smutty) and not having to censor what I post on social media sites, is great. 

Unfortunately people judge and I like not being with someone who judges me. 

I've learnt from the past that those who have strong negative opinions on what I do and say, is a form of controlling - something I will never tolerate. 

So now for the not so great points of being in singeville. 

Cons:

1. Eating the same meal two days in a row. Whatever food shopping you buy, it's always 'for two'. Think about it a packet of two salmon fillets, 500g of mince meat. 

When I actually bother to cook for myself, I always end up eating the same for lunch or dinner the next day. 

2. Nobody to care for you when you're ill. When you are feeling poorly, you sometimes just want someone to look after you. 

I'm having an operation next week and it's a little sad knowing I won't have someone to bring me flowers or fetch me a cup of tea when I'm recovering. 

3. Too much alone time. When you're literally the only single person in your group of friends, it leaves you often with a lot of time alone. 

I'm very independent so I don't mind going to the cinema on my own or for dinner but sometimes it's nice to share it with someone. 

Plus alone time means you think about things more - this isn't always a good thing. 

4. Justifying your single status. I feel like I am always having to explain to people why I'm single. 

They mean well when they ask why I'm single but there's only so many times you can explain that you just haven't met someone who you feel is your equal. 

5. Feeling wanted. This so goes against my whole 'independent women, I don't give a crap' attitude but if you're with someone special, they make you feel wanted. 

I miss doing the little things for a man. Things like making him lunch, leaving little notes for him and buying little treats that you know will make him smile. 

This post have got me thinking about whether this whole single life is the best thing for me?!

Either way I know that I'm not desperate to date just anyone. I have a great life as it is, so it'll take a pretty special guy for me to change my status (especially so publicly on Facebook). 

Benefit of the doubt?

On my way back to the airport today, my kind driver asked (in very broken English) whether I would like a cup of tea?

Bare in mind that we're driving through the desert. There are a few garages and 'cafes' every 10km or so. 

I politely said 'no thanks' but he proceeded to stop anyway. I'm not normally a jumpy person but by this point I've started recording voices on my phone and I have my keys in my hand (I've clearly watched too many action movies).

My driver returns with two cups of tea. I hesitate but take the offered cup. I'm now left with the dilemma of refusing the tea, or driving it and potentially being drugged (yes too many movies).

I drink the tea... The tea is delicious. I don't pass out, wake up groggy with a sore bottom (thank god!). 

No I drunk the tea, we proceeded to have a broken English conversation and I arrived at the airport on time. 

My whole reaction to a simply question of 'Do you want tea?' got me thinking about how we judge people, even if we don't intend too. 

I avidly follow the saying "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me". I follow this all the time, yet why do I sometimes not give people the benefit of the doubt?

It could have something to do with the fact that I've given people plenty of chances in the past and they have been abused. 

My delightful wanna be posh short boy ex (people who meet him know who I'm talking about) was given lots of chances. I lent him my car whilst I was travelling, turns out he went to visit his ex using it. 

I let him off the hook with helping me at a charity homeless event, he went out after work got drunk and shagged a girl from work. 

People wonder why I have trust issues! 

It seems the closer you are to someone, the more chances you give them. I'm not saying that's always a bad thing but it does certainly leave you open to getting hurt. 

I usually give someone at least one chance, I won't judge someone on other peoples poor behaviours but, when it comes to dating, how do you protect yourself?

Maybe I can learn to be less emotional and see that not everyone is out to hurt others. 

Or do I go the other way, pull my guard up so high then no one could ever hurt me?

Either way, the tea was delicious and I appreciated my driver spending his money on buying it for me.

It demonstrates not everyone is out to get you, just some.  

Destination unknown.

I said to myself that I won't be travelling as much in 2016 - I'm not sure who I am trying to kid?!

In 2015, I travelled to some incredible places. The highlight has to be my Africa trip. It was such an eye opener to see what life is like in Africa, see the incredible animals and meet some amazing people. 

I also did a few (five not including UAE) short weekends away. I'd fly from work on Friday and return on Sunday evening. A friend of mine does these often, it was good to quickly visut a city but I did find these quite tiring. 

I'm currently in Abu Dhabi alone. I met a friend for New Year's Eve but since then I've been solo. I've really enjoyed the alone time as life has been so hectic lately, especially at work. 

But being alone has made me think again about how nice it would be to share time with someone special. 

I'm my own worse enemy. I'm so damn independent and put out the persona that I don't need anyone (and actually I don't need but perhaps want someone) so it's difficult when you realise actually maybe it's time to let someone in. 

I doubt very much that I'll meet someone special on the likes of Tinder or POF (although I know lots of people who have) but there are other places to meet people.  

I tried speed dating once. It was overall pretty fun. I wasn't sure whether to try and drag someone with me but it was actually better going alone. It made me speak to people before the actual event. 

I matched with a few people. I think I was being too 'nice' with some of my matches. If I go again, I'll be more selective. 

I did see this one guy several times after the event, whom turned out to be a complete narcissist. However, I can't judge all guys at speed dating by that one bad experience (although apparently I was rather fat!).

My rational with all these things is, I'm pretty normal and I use these apps and events so surely there has to be other normal people out there?

I've been thinking about where to travel to next? I know work will be incredibly busy this year so I'm not really sure when exactly I can go away but I always like to dream of enchanted places. 

I'd love to go to a pole camp. They have one in Dubai in March (fourth trip to UAE) but I don't think I would have recovered from the operation by then. They also have one in Budapest and Ibiza. I think Ibiza would be pretty fun. 

I would also love to go somewhere like Borneo or Bali but I think these are typical 'couples' destinations. That usually doesn't bother me too much but for a week or more, it may be too much. 

I also have this grand idea of heading to Australia for a while (ideally 2-4 weeks) towards the end of the year. I would have to sweet talk my employer into giving me some unpaid time off wor though. 

I haven't considered it much but some people have asked if I use travel to run away from my problems? I'm not sure if I do or not. I like to travel, I get to meet new people and explore interesting places - what's not to love!

But maybe if I put as much time and effort into my routine life at home, then things would be a little different for me. Less dinners for one in front of the TV (although I do love my dinner tray from my sister for Christmas).

"Be aggressive, be be aggressive..."

Anyone who knows me, knows that the title is from one of my favourite films, Bring it on. 

Perhaps aggressive is the wrong word I'm looking for, maybe assertive is more appropriate. 

It's funny how I always seem to get a tad confused by aggressive and assertive, especially at work. 

I spent last night at the awesome Saadiyat Beach Club in Abu Dhabi. And every time I've visited the UAE (three times in 2015 opps) I've been blown away by forward people (guys) are here. 

From walking into the club, right away I knew people were looking at me (and no I didn't have lipstick on my teeth). I'm not used to having attention so openingly. 

Walking to the bar a man stopped me and said how beautiful I looked. I thought it was very sweet and he didn't try to chat me up, just wanted to say something nice. 

All night everyone was so friendly. Not just the guys but also the ladies. Chatting to each other in the line for the loo, complimenting each other's outfits. 

I love the atmosphere out here. People think it's such a strict country, and in some ways it is but that doesn't mean people don't have fun. 

Wherever I travel to, I always respect the local culture and values. I think I'd be a very ignorant traveller if I didn't. 

When I travel alone, I sometimes use Tinder to chat to people initially. I went on Tinder when I arrived and matched with a few guys. 

It's funny as at home when I swipe right (likey) I'd say 6/7 out of 10 are a match. Here the odds go up to 8/9 out of 10. 

Maybe it's just the 'fresh meat' element but even the use of 'super like' is used far more out here. 

I am always very upfront when I speak to guys on Tinder whilst I'm away, I say that I'm not looking for a 'hook up' but I'm just looking to meet someone for a drink and a chat. And if the former happens then so be it. 

I've had pretty good experiences using Tinder abroad. I'd say the oddest one was a guy that I met in Thailand telling me all about his open relationship with his ex (actually it was pretty interesting hearing about it).

One of the guys I chatted to on Tinder ended up going to the same club as me last night. He came up to me and said hello and proceeded to count the new year in with me (a little mid night kiss but sadly no spark).

Whilst walking to get a taxi, a couple of more guys spoke to me. One kindly took a picture of me by the pool then asked if he could take a picture of us together (whatever floats your boat).

Waiting for a taxi I got chatting to a cool Aussie dude. I was asking him all about Oz as I'd like to visit there this year (seems odd writing that!).

It ended with him asking for my number and we've arranged to go to the beach tomorrow. 

Things like that don't happen in the UK. If a guy chatted a girl up waiting in a line, she'd probably think he was a creep. 

It's got me thinking whether us Brits are too stuck up? I think maybe we are. Or we're too busy stuck on technology to talk to each other. 

I said I don't buy into New Years resolutions but I've decided I'm going to make more effort to engage with people in the real world. 

That means when I see family, I won't be on my phone the whole time. I'm even going to go wild and try and engage with people I don't know. 

That doesn't mean I'm going to be the nutter on the train talking to everyone but simple things like making eye contact and smiling or helping someone if they ask that question that no one bothers to answer (e.g on the train if someone asks if it goes to a specific stop).

I may even stop giving tourist in London the wrong directions. Come on, who doesn't do this? I'm running to grab a sandwich on my 15 min lunch break and they have all day to stroll around. 

And on that note, I wish you all a Happy New Year. I hope it's filled with lots of love, luck and happiness.