Time to empty the trash can

Yesterday I had my first counselling session. Well it wasn't my first ever counselling session but it's the first one for this 'round'.

This is a really personal journey and although I won't share everything on this blog, I do want to share some things. It might help explain why I am, the way I am some times.

It's always difficult replaying what has happened in the past but I know I haven't dealt with it properly. I think initially after Dean passed away, I went through the motions as though it was a 'tick box' exercise but there really isn't a manual for how to deal with grief.

Yesterday made me see things differently. Enough time has passed for me to now fully look at things without being so angry. Before everything was just a cloud of red. At times, I hated Dean for what he did but now I need to understand and accept it.

I felt a bit like a traitor though as when I was explaining some of the things Dean did like lock me in the house (apparently accidentally of course), purposely remove our wedding picture from the wall and put it on the floor when we'd had an argument and he was supposed to be staying away for a few days and ripping his TV off the wall, leaving a big hole in the wall, when he was losing at his Playstation game.

I know I'm only explaining what happened from my point of view, and I'm sure Dean would have seen things differently but sadly he can't put his side of the argument across.

I found out after the inquest that Deans ex moved away up North because Dean was harassing her, he was effectively stalking her according to his Mum. And when I explained how Dean has pursued me so much in the begining, the counsellor said it was a similar type of stalking. I didn't like this idea as I don't think Dean meant anything other than he wanted to date me.

My sister sees it completely differently. She sees it as Dean had 'love at first sight' with me. From stalking to love are very different.

I think this counselling journey is going to be really tough but as the counsellor explained, I have a trash can which I keep filling up. It started long before Dean, then obviously everything that happened with Dean was filling it up, and of course the failed relationships and rejections since Dean has gone has added even more.

Sometimes in life you have to make difficult decisions to help move forward. I know it'll be two steps forward and three steps back but I also know it's really important to do this.

So please wish me luck and bare with my craziness.