Travel buddy required

I have been thinking and if 2016 is anything like my travel experiences of 2015, I should start taking applications for a travel buddy. I know I have Ducky (as some of you may know) but I think perhaps it may be more beneficial to travel with someone who could actually drink a cocktail instead of floating on top of it.

Here's a little recap of my travels so far this year;

January:

Because of all the stress of moving house, I went away for the weekend to a beautiful country hotel near Oxford.

The plan was originally to have a break alone however it turned out to be a very bold third date! It was actually such a great weekend and it wasn't awkward at all (except for explaining why I don't like hearing the song 'Don't Stop Me Now' by Queen).

Obviously that 'dating' didn't go any further. I am still in contact with him but he is very busy (even busier than me being a hot shot Lawyer) so it wasn't meant to be. He was also another 'I don't want a relationship' kind of guy...

February:

This was first time in Dubai and I had a blast! I went alone and I figured being Dubai it would be a restful holiday of relaxing on a beach and maybe having a glass of wine over dinner.

I had the craziest night her parting with some cool Swedish girl and Arab guys. I drunk far too much whiskey and was still drunk/hung over whilst on the beach the following day.

I actually enjoyed the mix of having the days to myself then finding people to hang out with in the evening.

I also made a wonderful friend, Peta. Who I can't wait to see again soon. She's one of these girls that it feels like I've known her for years!

March:

March bought the weekend before St. Paddy's Day with a now ex 'friend'. They say it's always the quiet ones you need to watch out for and it was definitely the case here.

It was nice wandering round Dublin on Saturday and visiting the Guinness Factory before heading out in the evening. Sadly when alcohol and a low self esteem girl is added to the mix, then it's not as much fun. Enough said!

April:

This was the best travel experience of my life! I did a G Adventures tour to South Africa, Botswana, Zimbabwe and Zambia. This was my first Africa experience and it was incredible.

The wildlife was incredible and seeing how life is in Africa was such an eye opener but I honestly think it's the people that made this experience even more sensational.

I loved sharing a tent with my buddy, who we even bonded over throwing up together. Sadly on the same day, I was sick at the feet of one of the most genuine guys I have ever met.

I know I may seem a little boy crazy at times but I honestly haven't felt such a strong connection with someone before. I'm very sad that we live opposite sides of the World - such is life.

May:

This trip was the end of said friendship above. We had already booked a trip to Dubai prior to Dublin (rookie mistake) so we made up for the sake of this trip but you really learn about a person when you travel together.

We did have a great time in Dubai, it was nice getting dressed up to go out drinking  and going to the water park but it made me realise how different we are as individuals.

I'm pretty relaxed when I'm away so having to pick a certain spot on the beach so there were no cranes in the background when you take a selfie is a tad self absorbed for me.

June:

I had two lovely little weekends away. Firstly I went to Germany, a lovely little town along the Rhine. This was the first time I felt a little lonely whilst I was away. I think the language barrier didn't help.

Next trip was to Madrid. I had a great time! I arrived late on the Friday but I went to meet one of the lovely girls that I met in Africa in a gay bar. So random from being in the office during the day to being surrounded by some of the most gorgeous guys I've ever seen at night.

I like these little weekends away as they give you a break but they are not too long to get lonely.

Apps like Tinder/Happn can help you connect with people in these cities. If I do use them, I always explain that I'm only there for the weekend and just looking for some company (not a hook up) and it's worked so far for me.

July/August:

I don't think I went away in July/August. I was trying to cram in some miles on the bike before my big race in August.

Plus the weather was pretty nice so it was good enjoying the new garden and a few BBQs.

September:

I finally made it to Paris. I had such a nice long weekend in Paris. I made friends with a guy over there using one of the apps and we had a few drinks one night. It was nice having some company for a bit.

October:

One of my favourite family holidays. It was so nice going away with my sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephew. It was lovely playing with the kids in the pool and having a few drinks in the evening.

It was also really nice making new friends with the guys from the plane. That allowed me to see some amazing places in Lanzarote which I probably wouldn't have done had I not met them.

November:

So coming up in November I have two lovely weekends planned. First one is a weekend in Lowestoft with my sister, niece, two nephews and my Shiloh. Because of where we are, hopefully I'll be able to visit other family as well so a busy weekend.

Then the last weekend I'm going to Cologne for the Christmas markets. I think this would be a nice trip to go with someone but at the moment I'm going solo. I'm really looking forward to getting into the Christmas move.

December:

I've decided to go to Dubai for a third time this year. I'm going over New Year's Eve - it should be epic!!

I'll be visiting my lovely friend and hopefully we can hang out on New Year's Eve together and have a blast.

I was debating whether it's better to be with family over New Year's but I'll be spending Christmas with them so that'll be nice.

It's so difficult as I do enjoy travelling on my own sometimes but equally it's lovely exploring a new place with someone.

Hopefully next year will allow me to continue travelling but maybe with a like minded travel buddy. Any takers...??

One of those days

Today I'm having one of those days... They are few and far between but they still occur, well maybe not days but moments. Moments when I really miss Dean. 

I've had a pretty stressful day at work so maybe it's just a feeling of it would be nice to go home to a cuddle and a nice cup of tea but I do feel a little sad. 

Or maybe it's my sub conscience feeling guilty about looking at dating again - who knows. 

I don't like it when I feel like this. I feel like I'm not in control of my own emotions and we all know how much I like to be in control. 

I think everyone is so used to hearing about me going on holiday or excited about buying a new handbag that they forget what has happened in the past. 

I'll never forget. Not that I'd even want to forget. I (mainly) loved my time with Dean. And everything that I've been through has shaped me into the person I am today. 

Despite my selfishness sometimes, I don't think I'm a bad person. 

So tonight I'll have an evening of feeling a little down and no doubt tomorrow I'll wake up 'happy' again. 

Situationship

I learnt the best new word yesterday when I was training with my new Lewisham family. It's 'Situationship'.


One of the girls was explaining her not boyfriend who is heading over from Spain for a visit and the explanation was so clear.


When I first heard the word, I thought it meant "Friends with Benefits" but I think it means more than that.


I did google the word and it came up with a cumber of different meanings but most have a negative vibe to it - I don't think it should be seen as a negative thing.


Thinking about it, I had my own situationship which lasted four blissful months. In my mind, our 'non-relationship' was 'perfect' (OK - nothing is perfect but it was pretty damn good).


From the beginning I knew he didn't want a relationship, at least he was being very honest. At first, I thought that was a poor reflection on me (of course it's all about moi!!) but he clearly explained his reasons for not wanting a relationship, and although I didn't fully agree with his reasons, I did completely understand how he felt.


We agreed right away that we would be exclusively seeing just each other so not once did I feel jealous. Ok that's a tiny fib as he often went away with female friends and I was occasionally a little jealous but nowhere near the extent as I had been jealous in the past.


And the communication was great. We chatted all the time and when we didn't, we both knew it was because the other was busy.


In the four months we had one little tiff, and luckily he realised pretty quickly that he was indeed in the wrong. That was actually the only issue with the non-relationship, I had expected a little more support with something and he was honest and said if we were in a relationship, he would've done more.


That did hurt a little but I got over it pretty quickly. Let's face it, there was no point in causing drama as the outcome wouldn't have changed.


That was really the best thing about it all, the lack of drama. We never argued, I didn't expect him to do anything for me (but naturally he did do things as we were still friends) and there was no pressure. It was chilled and fun.


Sadly things did end. I think I was starting to develop stronger feelings for him and he felt it was best to end it before anyone got hurt. At the time, I didn't really agree as it's no different if you're in a relationship with someone and it ends - it will hurt.


Anyway, what this situationship taught me was you don't have to put a label on it. If something works for the two of you, then who gives a damn what it's called?


There are a few things for me that are so important to any 'relationship/non-relationship' and that's being exclusive and communication.


Jealousy is a truly nasty thing and we are all guilty of it at some point. Whether it's within your relationship, whether your jealous of a friend earning more money than you or someone with a better body than you - at times we're all partial to the Green eyed monster. However, that doesn't make it right!


This is where I see situationships and friends with benefits massively differ. FWB is just that, you occasionally have 'fun' together but ultimately they have no 'tie' (that's not the right word but I can't think of another) with you. You know they are likely dating other people and may have other FWB.


I think a situationship is for people who either don't care what other people think about the label or they are still a little scared of taking the full plunge into declaring to the World that they are exclusively with that one person.


My problem at the moment is I don't feel like I have the time, patience or even desire to fully commit to someone. I would like to have that one person I can call when I'm excited about something, or whether my day has been bad. I want the Netflix weekends on the sofa but I also want my freedom.


I want someone to know that yes I am faithful to you, but I have guy friends who I want to hang out with. That I am flirty but that doesn't mean I'm going to cheek and above all, my independence to do what I want when I want.


I guess I was lucky to have those four months before. It seems dating has changed so much and it's really difficult to find that middle ground between all or nothing.


Plus I think my biggest issue is being so damn picky. I've settled so much in the past so now I don't want to do that. I have a whole list of things that I don't want but I still haven't fully figured out what I do want. Only time will tell...

This one really made me laugh. So true!! I want loyalty yet being relaxed. I want fun yet you're not allowed fun with others.

Initially I felt like this with the situationship I was in (before I knew the awesome new title). It looked like a relationship, it felt like a relationship but it categorically wasn't a relationship.

This is what I'm living by. I don't need to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one.

Battle of the Apps: Tinder vs. POF

Over the past few years I've used various dating app's. Things have changed so much from simply meeting someone in a bar or club and going over to speak to them.


Nowadays, everyone hides behind their screens - be it mobile phone or computer. I'm not sure whether this is a good thing or not?


I think the ability to look for potential people you might be interested in dating, whilst your on your commute to work, tucked up on the sofa or even at the gym (yes I should be working out harder) is good as it utilises time well but equally, other than on your sofa, the other places you could catch the eye of someone you like the look of.


If you were to look around on your way to work and see how many people are either reading on a eBook, looking at their phones or listening to music you'd realise how difficult it is to engage with people in the 'Real World'.


I think that's why dating app's and websites are so popular. I've decided to share my views on the app's/sites I've used and maybe some 'interesting' dating stories.


Let's start with the one most people have heard of;


Tinder:


Where to start with this superficial app? You probably know that you this is linked to your Facebook account and you can choose which pictures to display. It takes your date of birth to calculate your age, so if you were one of these 'clever' people putting an incorrect DOB in to protect against potential fraud, you may be misleading on this app.


You can right a short bio under your profile but let's be honest who actually reads this?


At first I liked Tinder. I used it a few years ago and I thought the selection (yes a bit like at the supermarket) of guys was pretty promising. Then things changed and there was everyone and anyone on it.


I like how you can see if you have mutual friends, that can sometimes break the ice if you match with them and start talking.


I'm not exactly sure why but I would say 9 out of 10 times when I swipe right (to 'Like' them) then it is a match. Maybe guys just go through and swipe all of the girls profiles - or maybe my pictures look good. Who knows?!?


I have met a couple of guys from Tinder for a date but none have gone any further. Sometimes the picture quality isn't great. I feel bad but a couple of times I've switched to talking to guys on What's App and when they send more pictures - they look very different!


I know we'll always put our 'best' pictures on here to make yourself more appealing but when you put no full body pictures (to hide your big belly) or are wearing a hat in each picture (to hide your reseeding hairline) it's just false advertisement.


One good thing I do like about Tinder is the 'Moments'. You can share a picture with your matches and sometimes this prompts them to chat to you again. If you match with lots of people, you can sometimes get a little lost o it's good to bring peoples attention back to you.


One bad thing about Tinder is, you can see when the person was last online. That doesn't mean that they have read your message and ignored you, but some people can get funny about this.


I deleted Tinder (along with all but one dating app) this week. For me it wasn't working. Too many people just looking for casual hook ups. So it's a swipe left from me.


Plenty of Fish (POF):


This is a free dating site/app where you can set up a comprehensive profile with multiple pictures. It's good in the sense of you can add as much, or as little, information about yourself as you like.


The first time I was on POF was my first internet dating experience after Dean passed away. It was 2012 and the first person I met from the site, I ended up dating for over a year (well with a little break!).


It seemed a lot easier then. Because we started dating seriously after that very first date, we deleted our profiles within a week of meeting each other.


I decided to give POF another try (seeing as it worked first time round) but my goodness things have changed on there!


It does not matter what you write on your profile, people rarely read it. At one point, I have over 500 messages. They were received within the space of one week.


This may sound very harsh but it seemed like people really tried their luck on there. Guys who quite frankly, wouldn't dream of coming up to you in real life, would send messages asking for a date. I'm sure they could be the nicest person in the World but if there is no mutual attraction, then there is no point.


At first, I would try to reply to all messages. Even if it was simply a 'Thanks for the message but sadly I'm not interested'. I know that's blunt but I actually thought it was more polite to reply than to just ignore them.


Sometimes they guy would reply saying thanks for the reply but sadly quite a few times I'd get back nasty messages saying that 'You're not that pretty anyway' or 'I only did it for a laugh'. Some people really don't handle rejection well.


There seemed to be more people not looking for anything serious more so now than a couple of years ago. Maybe people are just keeping their options open but I don't understand why you would date someone but not want anything more to come out of it (I may be contradicting myself there!).


Anyway, being fed up of all the pointless messages I decided to delete my profile. I think POF is a good site for someone who needs an ego boost. To make them feel better about themselves if they just crave some attention.


I'm sure there are some great guys on there that do want to find someone special to be with but for me it required too much and effort to 'fish' through all the messages/profiles.


That is my take on only two of the apps I've used. There are another five I could easily review. I think if there was a Tinder vs. POF battle then I would have to say Tinder.


Purely from a superficial and time sensitive point of view. At least with Tinder, you should have that slight attraction from there photos already... unless your name is Andrew, that is.

Word Porn

I love wasting time on Facebook and Pinterest looking at the quotes. I'm often looking for funny/sarcastic quotes but occasionally I stumble across the serious quotes and think 'Yes that makes sense' or more often than not 'What a load of b*llocks!'.

Come on, let's be serious most of the love quotes are deep and meaningless... sorry I mean meaningful. But sometimes some really do help to put things into perceptive.

Here are some of my 'Top' quotes and what I think of them.

I feel like this was written for me. People who knew me five years ago would agree how different I was then. I don't know whether it's just age that has matured me, or what I've been through but I feel like a completely different person.

Before I was a negative spoilt brat. Yes I know I'm not perfect and maybe I've changed from being a spoilt brat to being a 'posh' twat but I have also changed my heart and how I feel for people.

I was very self centred before (and yes some may still think I am) but I know I care a lot more about people now than sadly I did before.

I do feel like I'm a better person. But I also feel a little broken by what happened. I'm now too stubborn and strong sometimes and that can go against me.

You meet new people each and every day but I've been so blessed to meet some incredible people - often whilst travelling.

I met two lovely girls on my first trip to Costa Rica, and also though we don't speak as often as I'd like, I still think the World of them as they are such good people.

The same with my most recent trip. I met two awesome guys who I feel such at ease with. There are no pretences there - I can be me without giving a damn about whether my hair and make up look good etc.

Travelling has blessed me with the best experiences I've had over the past four years. I've experienced some incredible things and have also been very humbled by the World. 

This is a tough one for me. For quite some time I couldn't fully let go of what happened. I tried to 'push' situations so much. I pretended that I wasn't affected by what had happened, that I was strong and independent but all I was doing was craving attention.

I sometimes have moments of thinking about just being in a relationship, for the sake of it. Just so I know I have someone in my life who wants to care for me and is 'mine (so to speak!). Thankfully those moments are few and far between. If anything, it's gone the opposite direction.

I do not want to settle for just anything or anyone. I know perfection doesn't exist but I do hope I will have that light bulb moment (again) when I realise the person I'm getting to know, is the one that I always want to be around.

I'm still not exactly sure what it is I deserve. I wasn't the greatest wife to Dean, but I did love him with all my heart.

I sometimes think if he saw me out and about 'dating' whether he'd be incredible angry with me? But then I try and take comfort in the last message he sent to me, saying he hope's that I will be 'truly happy'.

I think this speaks for itself. My heart was truly broken before, even now I still know it's not fully healed. In fact, it won't ever be fully healed. But I still hope to find true love again.

The right person will also need to be strong enough to accept what I've been through. Sadly one ex just couldn't get over the fact that I had been fully committed to someone else - that's very sad.

There have been times when I've thought maybe it's not worth the potential pain to be open for love again but then I realise what a sad, lonely life that would be. 

Again this one I've doubted many times!! Sometimes I'm not sure what the difference is between being strong and stubborn?

I was never going to allow someone (Dean) to beat me. I want to live a full life and I think my angry and rage was what got me through the first year or so.

I do like being strong. Not just emotionally but little things like I want to beat the boys at the gym or be independent and change my tyre (although I have run flats so that doesn't quite work). I'm sure you get the picture!

This is my favourite. It gives me hope! If things were handed to you on a silver platter, then it's worth a little less (it's certainly not worthless!).

I have sometimes thought whether we only get 'One True Love' in this life? I know Dean was mine but I do hope and believe there are many other people out there that are right for me.

I just need to decide whether I'm waiting for that famous 'Spark' or it's those that grow on you, that is the right person...

Definition time

So I've been 'single' for one year and four months now - yikes time flys when you're having 'fun'. 

Although over the last 16 months I've been on multiple dates (cue The 'Good, The Bad and The Ugly' theme tune), I've even 'seen' someone for nearly four months (although this was absolutely not a relationship!). 

Actually lets eleborate on that last point. What is a relationship? 

For me, a relationship is when you are exclusive with someone. You're not interested in seeing someone else of the opposite sex romantically (although what is romance these days?). 

A relationship is when you are there for each other. It's not set out by a minimum commitment requirement of seeing someone 'X' hours per week. 

It should simply be about wanting to spend time with someone and enjoying that time together. 

Far too many people get hung up on titles and are more concerned about what other people think or what they expect you to do, rather than what makes them truly happy. 

I actually have to admit that those four months of 'non-relationship' status were probably the best times over the past couple of years. 

Things were easy. Low expectations meant I could be myself without worrying about what he thought of me (although I still didn't pass wind in front of him). 

With the dating websites/app I use, they always make you define what you are looking for. 

At first I thought it was easy, I'm looking for a relationship. However, a relationship is very unique to the two people that are in it. 

I used to refuse to reply (unless they were insanely hot!) to any guy that said they are just 'seeking fun' or as Plenty of fish puts it 'Not seeking commitment of any kind' (I try hope those dudes don't have a pet goldfish or anything!).

But really, what is commitment? Is asking for someone to communicate with you regularly, asking too much? Is asking someone not to be kissing another girl, being unreasonable?

I think I don't actually know what I want. Wow I bet that's a big shock - a female that can't make her mind up!

I thought I wanted the whole relationship, commitment, settling down 'thing' but what does it all actually mean?

I have been on dates with such different types of guys. I've dated the narcissist, I've dated the player, I've dated the nice guy. And all it has done is made me realise, there are aspects from each of these guys I liked (yes even the not so nice ones). 

I know perfection doesn't exist, and frankly I wouldn't want it. I'm the type of girl that needs to be kept on my toes. If everything was handed to me too easily then I'd get bored. 

I'm starting to wonder whether I need to change my ways as to how I view dating, otherwise I may be single for a long time. 

But the past 16 months haven't been so bad, isn't the saying "Don't fix something that isn't broken"?

The dating game

I cannot believe how much the dating game has changed!


I know things evolve and adapt over time but come on, it can't seriously need to change that much?


I remember when I was in secondary school, if I liked a boy I would ask my friend to go and tell him. It was the classic "My mate fancies you" followed by a silly giggle.


It was all so simple, or so it seemed!


If I was really lucky, the boy I liked would come over and do something completely endearing to 'woo' me over. I'm sure you're all thinking maybe he offered to hold my books for me or possibly he'd buy me lunch in the canteen?


No, I went to school in Essex so if I was lucky he would maybe pull my hair or if he really really liked me, he'd trip me over in front of my friends. And they say romance is dead!


Actually that's a really bad line considering my circumstances...


Yes, I just said that! As my posts follow, you will learn I have a very odd (fitting with my surname) sense of humour. Personally I blame my Father.


A fine example of Daddy's (Yes I call him Daddy as I am a massive Daddy's girl!) sense of humour is a time we were on the beach and a child came up to him and asked what happened to his leg (My Dad lost his leg in a motorbike accident over 35 years ago), his answer was that the craps in the sea bite him - that poor child is probably still in therapy.


In fact speaking of therapy, my therapist (I'm not crazy but it seemed like a good idea to go after Dean died) explained that my perverse (His words - not mine) sense of humour is a 'copying mechanism'. He clearly never met my Dad!


Now back to how much dating has changed. From the age of 16 until 25, I was in a serious relationship. I didn't have to look for dating. My first serious boyfriend, I met at work. We dated for over a year. Then shortly after we split up, I met the lovely guy I was with before I started dating Dean in a nightclub. That's how it was at 17.


Opps actually, no I wasn't getting into over 18 nightclubs and drinking alcohol at the age of 18 - promise Daddy!

So getting back to dating - how tough is it?!? Long gone are the games of being mean then getting the girl. 

Now you've got to contend with so many different possibilities out there. Because of the joys of Internet/app dating, you now seem to have to contend with so many different people.

Watch this space with my online dating reviews. 

It's all about me...!!

Hi all, Beckyboo here.

I used to have a single girl blog before but sadly I deleted it as some people didn't like some of the things I posted about. Luckily now, I don't care what people think!

So I'm back and single... again!

I honestly must have the worst luck with dating. Some people say you only ever get one true love - maybe that's true and I've had mine.

A little background to me, at the age of 18 I fell for the older guy, Dean. Dean was 29 when we first starting dating and I fell for him.

It's funny as I knew Dean for a few months before we started dating as he was best friends with the man my sister was dating (and has since married). But I was actually dating a lovely guy at the time. I had been with Bill for around 18 months and although he was amazing, we relationship changed into more a friendship.

When you're with a 'nice' guy and this cool older guy starts being interested in you, you open your eyes a little more. It's crazy as my eyes were actually so closed with Dean but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Dean had said to my Mum that he was going to marry me one day. This was before we had even started dating. Maybe the fact that my Mum said 'No chance' spurred me into his arms more - such a rebellious young girl.

Fast forward three years and we're standing in Ashwells Country Club, Brentwood saying our 'I do's'. Dean at the age of 32 and a fresh-faced bride aged just 21.

Now fast forward again just over three years, and my World came crashing down.

Despite Dean being an absolute fucker sometimes, I still loved him more than anything in the World but sadly he was in a very dark place and completed suicide on 20th August 2011.

People kept saying why didn't I see the signs but I honestly didn't. All the sides were just 'Dean being Dean'. People who knew Dean, know that he was a very troubled man. He was like Jacklyn Hyde. Sometimes he was insanely high, with his silent laugh and being the biggest joker ever. Then he was incredibly low, being possessive and breaking things.

As a silly young girl trying to prove to the World that I was a grown up, I didn't know what I was doing. I know I didn't help him as much as I could have but as I said, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

So four years on since Dean passed away and I am living this life incredibly different from what I had expected.

I hope you can follow me on my journey and help me along the way with any tips and advice.


Much love,
BB.

Us on holiday

The Silent Laugh

The look of love