Discussing the issue of mental health

Last Thursday was International Men's Day. I was supporting the suicide prevention charity, CALM, in the evening by handing our oyster card holders with branding of 'Mind the Chap'.


Because of my involvement, I decided to send an email around my office to raise awareness and then the can of worms was well and truly opened...


After getting the all clear from a senior manager, I sent a pretty generic email explaining what the day was and explaining the good work CALM does. After sending that email, I was very surprised with the responses.


I had a few emails saying they think it's great that I'm supporting such a worthy charity and raising awareness and then I had three people directly approach me and explain they are currently suffering from mental health issues.


I really appreciated these people feeling as though they can approach me. I'm generally quite good at being sympathetic and listening without giving advice. It can be very dangerous to give advice when you don't understand the full circumstances.


One person I am very worried about as he hasn't seek help from the business. We have access to an excellent counselling programme but not everyone knows about this benefit. But he still feels because of the 'taboo' of mental health that he may be seen as weak or even lose his job.


When will people wake up and realise that mental health is as real as a broken arm? Just because you can not directly see the mental health issues, it does not make them real. And the difference with a broken bone is, it's pretty easy to fix (although I'm not a Doctor) whereas mental health issues requires quite a bit more care.


I am very proud of the company I work for, and I know that they truly care about their staff however sadly some times people do not see mental health as a real issue or they are embarrassed to talk, well tough it needs to be addressed.


I've been lucky enough to speak to the senior board members of my firm and raise this issue. It was incredibly awkward to raise in front of a room of 100 people but it had to be done. The support I received was incredible!


I think age sometimes factors into peoples understanding of mental health issues. The older generation were always told to just 'Get on with it' or to 'Man up' but life was a little easier in those days.


Now a days you simply can't switch off. Examples are even when you're on holiday, you can still access work emails and if you wake up during the night, you usually reach for your phone.


Technology is a great thing but it also has it's disadvantages. Take relationships, there were no sites like Ashley Madison trying to lure men (and women) away for affairs. There was also no pressures from trying to compete for Likes on Instagram. Life was a little simpler.


People are now realising that it is ok to discuss if you are feeling down and that there is help and support out there. But it seems it takes that first person to speak up to get the conversation flowing.


I feel like I've opened a can of worms at work. The support has been very good but equally I have slightly criticized the business for not promoting our benefits enough. But I feel very confident that the senior management are taking this seriously.


I feel very vulnerable discussing the issue of mental health. Every time someone opens up to me, I feel so desperate to try and 'save' them. I know I failed Dean and wasn't able to save him so I feel like it's my duty to help others.


From this blog can I please just ask you to be mindful of people around you and how they may be feeling. Even the strongest of person sometimes struggles.


CALM offers so much support and guidance on their website, please check them out. In fact I wrote an article for them shortly after Dean passed away, here is the link to my article and the website you can explore.


https://www.thecalmzone.net/2012/11/first-person-a-widows-words/

Five things I've learnt from dating

Here are some of the lessons I've learnt as a result of my 'dating journey'.




1. Embrace changes.




The World that we live in is forever changing, a prime example is have you tried to buy a packet of crisps for 10p lately? It's not just inflation (including inflation of peoples egos!) that are creating changes but it's everything around us, including ourselves.




I am a completely different person today than I was five years ago. Before Dean passed away, I was such a negative person. I was far too organised and structured (although I still am fairly organised) and I was a whole lot more moody (I know it's debateable at times as to whether that has changed much).




However, now I appreciate life so much more. I don't get stressed if things don't go to plan. I like the fact that I create my own destiny. Although change can often be a little scary, it's also an opportunity to really prove to yourself and others how adaptable you are.




2. Failure is not an option.


This sounds like quite a negative thing but it's actually not meant that way. Regardless what you set out to do, if you don't reach the original goal that you set, it doesn't mean you have failed it just means you've re-written the plan.




So long as you learn from things in life, I think something shouldn't be seen as a failure. It just means that the plan changed. I believe you can learn from other peoples mistakes or errors too.




3. Forgive and forget.


As human beings, we will mess up at times. As above, so long as we learn from these lessons then it's worth working through.




Sometimes other people may let you down, I think so long as it is not intentional then we should learn to accept these occasional disappointments.




There are a few things that I could never forgive and forget, cheating is one of them. If you have made the commitment to be with someone, then you should honour that. If you feel the need to cheat then something is wrong with your relationship and you either need to address the issue or accept it is not working and move on.




Another thing I will not tolerate is violent and/or controlling behaviour. No one has the right to manipulate and control others. I dealt with that for a long time and I've vowed to myself I will never do it again.


A little motto I do live by is "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me". I'm happy to forgive once but you don't get more chances after that.




4. Love yourself.


I don't mean this is a naughty kind of way (although if you're single for a while then I guess needs must!) but more you need to be happy and healthy with the person that you are.




I think I'm still working on this one. I like myself as a person, I know I'm a good person that cares for others but sometimes I am so bad at accepting compliments - I just don't believe them.




I know no one is perfect, and I certainly wouldn't want to be perfect but when people say nice things about me I assume there is some ulterior motive which is a sad way of viewing life.




If you don't love and understand yourself, how can you expect other people to love and understand you?


There is a fine balance though between being confident with yourself, and being an arrogant twat. The latter is not required in my life!


5. Opposites attract.


As with everything in life, this one is in moderation. Some people think that you should only date someone where you have loads in common. I do think you need to have some things in common to have those shared interests you can enjoy together, but equally you need to have your own thing.


I think why I like the opposites attract thing is because it allows you to learn more about someone and also about yourself.


Obviously there are something's that really won't work, for example if someone was heavily into drugs then I would not want to be involved with them as I am very anti-drugs. But if someone likes a different type of music to you, you may broaden your knowledge by sharing what they enjoy.


By both having your own interests, it means you remain as an individual but you also have the ability to grow as a couple (if you're dating that is!).

How do you like your eggs? Scrambled, fried or fertilised...

It's all about eggs lately. First it was eating lots of eggs on the Dukan Diet (don't bother with it!) and now it's about how healthy are my eggs and can I help someone else have a baby.

Today I had my pre-screening consultation for egg donation with the London Egg Bank. I have thought about donating my eggs for a while now so I thought it was finally time to research it further.

Initially when I contacted companies, many said they were not accepting new donations which I was pretty surprised at. But I received a call the other day from the clinic and they asked me to come in for a meeting.

I found out so much information today and they naturally had lots of questions for me too. They asked for in-depth information about my family medical history and I honestly didn't have a clue - I even struggled to know how many cousins I have and their ages. So I've now been left with some homework to complete.

They explained the whole process, it's very thorough. There will be lots of screen on me to check my genetics are healthy. Although I dislike needles, it will be good for me to have a full screening. If they find anything, they will let me know.

A selfish reason for me wanting to donate, is that I will get the opportunity to check if I am fit and healthy. And if the time is right in the future for me, then perhaps I will one day be a Mother.

The main reason why I want to donate is because I have seen the struggle of some of my friends to fall pregnant. I would love the opportunity to help create the gift of life for someone who is so desperate to have a baby.

I am a little worried about how much time the whole process will take. They did explain that they would try to schedule appointments around my work commitments so hopefully it shouldn't affect things too much.

I would need to have the day off work when they actually harvest the eggs - that's if it even gets that far.

For some reason I thought they would just harvest the eggs, freeze them and then use them when someone needs them. But they actually 'match' you with a recipient so as soon as they are taken from me, they are then fertilised and implanted into the potential new Mum.

I have to admit, I was a little overwhelmed at the thought that I would know that someone was pregnant with my donated eggs. That sounds pretty silly but I figured if its sometime in the future - I wouldn't know when.

They also explained that I would be informed if a child is born as a result of my donation. They will also tell me the sex and the date of birth.

I'm trying to see it as it may be my eggs helping to produce the little life, but it would not be possible without the sperm and the mothers bloody running through that babies veins. I am only one part of the process.

When I spoke a little more to my Mum about this, she was still pretty upset. She said she hated the thought of 'Little becky's' out there that she would not know. They wouldn't be little Becky's - only a little part of me.

Thinking of it like that though, I wonder if the child would look like me? I assumed not but I guess they may have my eyes or my nose (lucky them as I have a great nose!). Perhaps they would look more like the father...

Although this consultation gave me so much to think about, I do really want to do it. Some people only ever want to be a Mother (like my lovely sister) and the ability to help them achieve this would be incredibly rewarding.

Another slight concern though is the fact that the child would have the right to contact me once they reach the age of 18. I would think though that they could not possible want to contact me for anything negative - surely?

So it looks like 2016 may be a very exciting year for some potential families out there. They say life is a journey, it looks like I took the first steps today to potentially help create a new life.

Someone pass me the dating manual please

I thought dating was like riding a bike, but it would appear I have forgotten some of the basics to the World of dating.

It's not like I've been a reclusive over the past 18 months, it's just most of my 'dates' haven't made it past the three date mark (with the exception of the Situationship).

I'm very used to the 'excitement' of meeting someone for the first time, this is usually because nearly all of my previous dates I've met through various dating apps. And I'm equally used to them not being remotely like what I thought they would be like.

Even after weeks of texting someone prior to meeting up, you still don't know whether you will actually 'like' someone until you meet up.

I'm now faced with an odd dilemma of actually meeting someone in the real World (yikes no swiping left here) and I'm completely not used to it!

Now that doesn't mean it's a bad thing, it just means I'm a little rusty. Everyone used to say to me that I should give up on the apps and meet someone 'normally' (this advice always came from someone in a relationship!) and now it's kind of (yes being reserved as always!) happened, I have no clue.

I'm loving the excitement of seeing a 'Good morning' message (although I'm usually the first one to message - take note Mr) and really enjoying being on the phone (well FaceTime) until the wee hours of the morning.

But I'm still not used to the whole being nice thing. I mean, I'm always nice to everyone. Well to those that don't piss me off. But I'm so uncomfortable with receiving compliments. I don't really understand it.

I should be flattered when someone says I'm attractive or even better, intelligent. But I keep wondering the reasoning behind the compliment. How can someone think that of me?

My self-esteem really isn't that bad. I'm happy with the person I am but it's rare that I 'rate myself'. I'm very confident with certain things. Work, for example, is where I feel very confident. I know what I'm doing at work and if I don't, I'll learn.

So why do I struggle hearing nice things about me? I guess I know the deep rooted issues lie with what has happened in the past but I thought I had dealt with most of those issues - perhaps not.

I certainly don't want the compliments to stop but if I was giving compliments that keep getting brushed off, you'll soon stop bothering.

I also need to curb my enthusiasm for certain things. I love to plan things - especially travel or fun days out. But I don't want my silly childish excitement of doing fun things to be confused with being too 'keen'.

I'm very independent so I'll do things regardless if it's with someone else, but the thought of sharing something fun with someone I like, it's a really nice idea.

This whole dating malarkey is like a balancing act. Trying to show to someone your interested but not too keen. Being 'available' but not desperate. And trying to be open and honest with someone but also trying to act cool and mysterious.

It's a tough job... but I do like a challenge. Especially one that may result in me receiving breakfast in bed!

This seems very appropriate albeit worded terribly.  

Absolutely no comment!!

New Year, New Start.

It's always around this time of year that we tend to think about what we want to achieve in the year ahead.

Whether it's New Years Resolutions or things on our 'To Do' list. It seems like people forget about the other 8 months of the year. November to March are full of either diets ahead of the Christmas season to slim into that 'LBD' or the diet after eating too much at Christmas.

I've been thinking about next year and what I'd like to achieve and you know what, there's not a lot I'd change.

This year has been a pretty good year. The biggest thing for me has been moving house. I don't think I realised just how much I needed to do that to truly move forward.

After I moved so many people finally said to me they couldn't understand how I stayed in that house for so long. I'm surprised no one said anything before but I guess they were just trying to be supportive.

I knew I couldn't stay in that house. Initially it was shear stubbornness that kept me there. I was not going to let Dean 'beat me'. That's such a bad way to have seen it but at the time, I wasn't thinking straight enough to know where I would have wanted to move to anyway.

Now I absolutely love my new house. I'm very lucky to live where I do. And as strange as it may sound, Shiloh (poochie) seems so much happier here too. He hasn't tried to escape once (mind you he can't go and run to Nan and Granddads anymore) and he hasn't destroyed anything (accept for the Lodgers Macaroons).

This year has also seen lots of travelling which I'd like to continue into next year. I think I will better restrain the travelling a little bit. I calculated (roughly) how much I've spent on travel over the past four years and I can't believe I could have bought a several (yep more than one!) properties up North for the amount I've spent. That is insane!!

Work has become busier so this will divert my attention from travels a bit. I'm actually ok with that. I'm very lucky to have a job that I really enjoy and really fantastic colleagues.

I've also stripped a few fake friends from my life. I would much rather have only 2/3 friends that I truly respect and am close to than people that always have a negative opinion on me.

The New Year shouldn't always be about trying to change things, it should sometimes be about improving on the things you currently do and being thankful for this.

Here's to a fantastic 2016. I'm hoping the year will be filled with lots of love, luck and happiness. Not just for me, but especially for my friends and family.

Perks (or not) to being single

The amount of times I feel like I have to justify myself when someone asks why I'm single is unreal! Heaven forbid I may actually like being single.

You would think these comments would come from people that don't really know me but sadly that's not always the case.

I'm sure some people mean well when they say that they can't believe I'm single. Usually it's followed by some backhanded compliment like "Oh but you're so pretty" but I can see their little brains turning wondering whether I'm the bitch from hell or possibly have three nipples (FYI I don't have three nipples!).

The worst offender, I'm going to say, is my Mother. When I say I'm going away, she's stopped asking who with and now it's "Alone again?". Yes Mother, your 29 year old daughter is heading to Madrid for the weekend - alone.

It's terrible when she keeps asking me when will I have babies? I haven't had the heart to explain that the whole baby making process requires someone with a XX chromosome too (You'd think after four children she would understand this!).

I'm convinced she thinks I could pop into a shop and buy a baby the same way I would go and buy a LV handbag. Which, let's be honest, if I had a baby my lovely handbag collect would be replaced with a Mama and Papas nappy changing bag (unless Burberry sell changing bags?).

I'm haven't told her about my appointment next week to become an egg donor. I'm not sure if she'll understand why I'm giving away my perfect healthy (well that's a huge assumption but we'll soon fine out) eggs to a complete stranger when I haven't had a child myself.

I would like to think she could understand the maternal desire some people have to have their own children... then I remember this is my mother we're talking about!

I have seen some of my closest friends struggle to fall pregnant so I really hope I'm able to help happy couples become parents.

Back to the perks of being single. My king size bed - all mine! Ok that's a fib as Shiloh may occasionally (always) sleep on the bed. But the thought of sharing my bed  with a boy (yuck!) is rather alarming. I've become far too complacent.

Another perk is the ability to choose whatever film I feel like watching without judgement. If I feel like watching three Disney films in a row on a lazy Sunday (the chance would be a fine thing!) then I want to do that without someone judging my note taking of how the beautiful Princess always finds her Prince Charming (and without the use of Tinder).

Although there are some good points to being single, I guess there are some downfalls too. Especially with Christmas coming up, it would be nice to get into the Christmas spirit with someone else.

One of my Christmas traditions, is to watch Love Actually. I watch it around Christmas time every year and for me that's the start of the holiday season. It would be nice to be snuggled on the sofa next to someone and watch it.

Also I'm having an operation in January on my foot and it would be nice knowing that someone is thinking of me and could be there for me when I'm recovering.

The best thing about being single though is the possibility of meeting someone new. When you are actively seeking someone by using these dating apps, the thrill is slightly lost as it's expected. But when you just meet someone nice that you get along with, someone who makes you laugh and you can speak on the phone to, for say three hours at a time, then that's nice... Very nice :-)

Don't give cherries to pigs or advice to fools

I think we've all been guilty of dishing out advice when we think we know best, but perhaps we really don't know best. 

I know I am guilty of this, especially at the moment with someone special in my life. I have all the best intentions in the World but I can only see things through my eyes. 

Although I'm doubting whether what I'm saying is truly the best advice, I know it's coming from my heart with all the best intentions. 

I have been on the receiving end of some ill-fitting advice. After Dean passed away, I received some real golden nuggets like "Shit happens" and "Everything happens for a reason".

I must admit with the shit happens comment, I wasn't quite sure whether to laugh or cry (standard reactions for everything around that time) but reflecting upon it, I know the person saying it meant well (albeit rather untackfully!). 

I've since received (although often I've never ask for it) lots of pearls of wisdom on dating. 

Now most of this has come from people in long term relationships, those that haven't received several (unwanted) willy photos from delightful men (and possible trans-genders) off various dating apps like Tinder and POF. 

These people hand out their advice behind their 'love bubbles' filled with Sunday morning snuggles and eating Ben & Jerries in front of a roaring fire (the ex had some perks). 

What they don't realise is dating is tough!! They think it's all fun and games, of going out to dinner for free or cool wine bars (lesson learnt to never drink Long Island ice-tea on a first date!). 

They haven't recently encountered the constant boob watchers (even other girls boobs!) or the guy who thinks it's acceptable to discuss how great his ex was in bed (not cool!).

They may have good intentions but they are out of touch with dating. I've been the one recently to be handing out dating advice (which I feel I am overly qualified to do).

My main piece of advice is manage expectations. You are not perfect, so why should your date be?

We all have our strengths and weaknesses. I'm not saying we should just 'settle' but at least be realistic. 

I think my problem in the past, has been that I've been so focussed on what I don't want, that I haven't really considers what I do want. 

I would never allow anyone to control me again so if I see any element of that, I run a mile. And I won't tollerate mind games. Sadly some people do it without even realising they are doing it, for example "meet me if you're brave enough..."  

I would love to meet my equal. I don't mean everything has to be a level playing field. The best part of relationships (from what I vaguely remember) is the ability to work with each others strengths and help with those weaknesses. 

Simple things like someone is the better cook so they are happy to cook more, and the other one does the dishes. 

I think you should be with someone who can accept your past and want to help build the best future together. 

One piece of advice which I always used to roll my eyes at was "stop looking for someone". I honestly thought people were so stupid  for saying this. It's easily said from your snuggle sofa...

But actually, they were right. After the last horrible date, I thought sod this I'm done with dating. 

Since taking the pressure off myself, I've felt so much happier. 

I've never 'needed' to date someone. I'm incredibly independent and I can always  ask for help - Daddy to the rescue. But occasionally it's nice to have someone to talk to. 

The simply things like sharing how your day has been or having a little moan about something is good. 

So it seems that less is more in the World of dating. The less time you spend on dating apps and the more time you spend on important things like socialising with work colleague (purely an example...) is perhaps more beneficial. Mayve we'll see...

It's not me, it's you.

Perhaps it's me being in work mode with my 'Compliance/Risk' hat on but I've been thinking about what happens (or has happened) when things go wrong with dating/relationships.

I've had some amazingly shocking (is that even allowed, grammatically?) experiences of when things go wrong.

I can not even think of how many dates I've been on so perhaps my hit rate of bad ones is 'average' (but really what is average?) but I would probably say I've had more bad than good.

I will start off with my worst date ever! In fact, it was my last date - perhaps I've been scarred for life? Either way, it was with a guy from a new dating app I downloaded (review to follow) called Hinge.

His pictures looked nice and he said he was involved with politics so I thought we'd have common interests to talk about. He even said he was active, which I assumed to be sporty.

Anyway, I met him outside a pub in Soho. We were trying to find each other and I spotted a guy walk past (phone in hand) with red trainers (the bloody sign!!), baggy jeans and some horrifically old leather jacket (can't even be classed as vintage).

When I asked if he was wearing red trainers (via text - still trying to casually locate each other), and he said yes... I don't think he appreciated my joke of saying "See you later" (clearly no humour).

Either way I had committed to it so I went over and said Hello. How can one simple word help you decide that you want to perhaps fake fainting, read the whole of the FCA Handbook (actually I'd probably enjoy that) or even go round to my Mum's for dinner? (don't ask about the rice pudding!)

All I could hear in my head (well above the screaming of "run for the hills") were the lyrics from the Lionel Richie song "Hello". I can categorically state (pinkie promise) that I was not looking for 'A' (yes I'll be kind and not say his name).

So we're now in this busy pub and he buys a drink. I ask for a white wine, he gets me a large glass. God damn it, the one time I actually didn't want a large!!

You're probably wondering what was so wrong with this guy? Let's just say his profile would not have been signed off as a Financial Promotion. It definitely did not follow the 'clear, fair and not misleading' rules.

I know it sounds so superficial (and I guess it is) but I did not find him attractive at all. He looked so different from his pictures. I'm sure they were his pictures, they were just taken about a decade ago. And the leather jacket... really?!?

Usually it's fine if you don't fancy a date. You can still have a pleasant time, a nice conversation and discuss shared interests such as travel but not with 'A'. I usually have no problems talking but I think I've had better conversations with Shiloh.

'A' was just so dull. I don't know whether he was nervous or he genuinely wasn't very interesting but it seemed like it was me asking all the questions or trying to talk.

After struggling to make conversation, I decided to go to the toilet. I took my handbag with me but I left my coat and umbrella at the table. I seriously considered leaving them there and bailing.

I have never consumed a large glass of wine so quickly. I kept looking at my watch and convincingly said that I needed to catch a certain train home. I think I made it pretty clear things were not going well, thankfully it was his turn to pop to the loo.

At this point, I started chatting to the guys at the table next to me. I had a great conversation with them about the rugby. I think I just wanted to check my conversational skills were still working - nailed it!

When my 'date' came back he kindly (arrgggg just let me roam the mean streets of London alone) walked me to the tube station (to catch that 'specific' train). It was at this point that I thanked him for the drink, asked if he was also getting the train (thinking if he is, I'm going in the opposite direction) and before he could finish his sentence, which included 'No, I'm getting a Bus', I had started walking down the stairs to the station.

It was honestly the worst half hour of my life! Yes I managed to neck a large glass of wine, two separate loo breaks and chatting to a bunch of strangers in a 30 minute date - Like a Boss!

The thing that stuck in my mind the most were the red trainers. It all became clear when he explained that his 'political' interests and being 'active' translated into being a 'Labour Activist'.

They always say go with your gut instinct. I should have run when I had the chance.

I think there has been a little theme of meeting guys from these apps and them not looking like their pictures.

I get we always put our 'best' pictures up but to put pictures up that are a few years old and you've since gone grey, gained/lost weight, wrinkles etc in my mind is misleading.

This is all very superficial but you have to be attracted to someone, to want to date them. Obviously the date above has also shown that you need to have the ability to hold a conversation with someone and have shared interests as well. But is it too much to ask for looks and personality?