It's good being single

Sometimes it's pretty great being single, but equally it can suck. 

I'm currently on a flight to Dubai, in Business class, drinking champagne - life couldn't get better. 

I'm so excited to be celebrating New Year's Eve in Abu Dhabi. It's so different from last year. 

Last year I went to Searcy champagne bar (maybe not that different actually) in London with my housemates. It was lovely but this year will be so much better. 

I've had such an incredible year of travelling so it seems fitting to finish it off in another country. 

This single life can be pretty fun. I love the freedom I have. I've always been my own person but it's nice not being accountable to anyone. 

I've got back into the dating game. In fact, I went on a fantastic first date yesterday. 

I met this guy from tinder (although I messed up and said I thought we spoke on pof - opps!) and surprisingly he was lovely. 

He's very good looking, my usual tall dark and handsome type. But better than that, he can actually hold a decent conversation. 

We had so much in common. We spoke so much about travel. It seems we both love to explore exotic places. 

It was also nice having hobbies in common. He likes to keep fit and horse ride. 

It's refreshing to have a nice normal date. And meet someone you get along with. 

Obviously I'm a realist and not sure exactly what may happen but either way it was a lot of fun. Let's see what happens. 

Thank god thats over

I am usually so excited when it comes to Christmas. I love the lights, all the yummy treats and buying nice presents for my friends and family. But this year has totally sucked!

I went to a Christmas market in Cologne at the end of November, this was supposed to be the start of the Christmas season. Unfortunately it was a nightmare! I ended up being so ill with a sore neck and shoulders, which ended with me having physio, and I had some horrible bug. Needless to say, it wasn't a fun trip.

It was the first Christmas in my new house. I thought about it as a fresh start. I wanted to cook dinner for my parents and that went very well (except for over boiling my potatoes thanks to Mother).

Maybe because work has been incredibly busy, it just didn't have it's magical feeling this year. Normally you're able to have quite a few cheeky long lunches or lots of drinks after work but the week leading to Christmas, I was working till pretty late. I was more excited about having some time off work than actually looking forward to Christmas.

I went to the crematorium on Christmas eve. It was pretty busy with lots of people visiting their loved ones who have passed away. I place a Tasmanian devil magnet and lit a candle for Dean (I haven't heard about a fire over there so hopefully the candle was ok).

Perhaps the fact that I wasn't in the house we lived in together, may also have something to do with the fact that it didn't feel like Christmas.

Dean used to really like Christmas, or he at least always made it special for me. I think that's what I really miss about a relationship. I miss the fact that someone is there to look after you and make things feel special.

I was feeling so sorry for myself on Christmas day. I woke up alone (well that's a fib as Shiloh was with me) and the first person to actually say "Merry Christmas" to me, was a stranger over the park.

After a few 'woo is me' thoughts, I mentally slapped myself. Here I am, sitting in my gorgeous house, after cooking a lovely meal, spending time with parents when there are so many people out there that don't have a home, don't have enough food to feed themselves or their family and some also have lots loved ones.

I like to thing I'm pretty robust and strong so when I do feel bad about things, I hate it. I feel so weak and then realise that I have so much to be thankful for.

This Christmas was different from my last ones, and let's be honest next Christmas will also be different. So from now on, I'm going to be more thankful. Different doesn't have to be a bad thing.

Another one bites the dust

Yes another one to add to the reject pile. I should have seen this post coming but it's still very frustrating to write.

I was 'seeing' (one of the many wonderful dating terminologies) someone for about six weeks. It all started very innocently and to be honest, initially I didn't think anything of it but it's always the 'nice' guys that reel you in.

This one was definitely not my usual type (although lets be honest, my usual type hasn't exactly been working so well for me). My usual type is often based initially on looks. It's the standard tall, dark hair and muscly - this guy was polar opposite.

But I figured he seems nice so as we started to chat, things seemed to be heading in some sort of 'forward' direction.

The alarm bells were there from the beginning. I thought dating someone opinionated would be good. It would mean perhaps some healthy debates and not someone who would be walked all over. I didn't expect to be challenged on every opinion I have.

It wasn't just the debating that was an issue, it was the subtle put downs. Little things like 'Oh would you really wear THAT dress?' or 'Argg why would you want to go to THAT restaurant?'. I appreciate everyone has different opinions but it's really not nice to make people feel inadequate.

Now, that could be blamed on me. If I am strong enough with my thoughts and beliefs, then no one could make me doubt myself however I'm not strong enough.

I don't know whether it's just this time of year, or this last dating experience but it has bought up some deep seeded issues for me again.

A close friend of mine ask me a very direct question the other week, he asked me when I was going to deal with my grief instead of running away from it and I think he's right.

I know I have flaws, I have flaws like everyone else. I am very aware of my flaws and yet I still allow myself to be made to feel inferior because of these.

I think it takes a strong person to admit that they are insecure at times. I don't fully understand all of my insecurities. I am not a jealous person. If I am with someone that I trust 100% and I saw them flirting with a friend, it wouldn't bother me but I think the issue I have when it comes to those types of insecurities is respect.

Not only do I need to have respect for myself and for others, anyone with me has to respect me. They have to respect my past and my present. I am not perfect, nor would I want to be but you should respect the person for who they are.

I've felt under a lot of pressure lately. I love my job but it's incredibly busy and I don't always feel like I have the right support. I also feel like time is running away from me. There are so many things I'd like to do like see my family more, go to the gym or simply watch a film and chill out on the sofa but none of those seem viable at the moment.

Dean used to really like Christmas. It was a special time for us. Our last Christmas together was really special and ironically, Dean bought me my eternity ring that year.

I don't believe in the whole 'New year, new start' but perhaps the new year will be a good opportunity to re-evaluate what is working well in my life and would could be improved.

I said before that there were alarm bells from the start with the last guy I dated, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I honestly don't know why I always do that. If you give people a chance, that leaves you so venerable for disappointment.

I like to think I'm generally a positive person but perhaps I need to start being more cut throat with certain decisions.

I'd like to start learning a bit more about me and why I am the way I am (aside from the obvious). I think a fresh year will be a good time to start. But for now, I'll continue going to bed with my glass of wine. Anything to survive.

One Love

I watched my Christmas tradition of Love Actually at the weekend. I love that film so much. It's not only Christmasy but it provides lots of hope for love and all that romantic crap (I say crap yet it's what I would love to have!).

The song, One Love, by Blue is in the film and it got me thinking, do you only ever have one true love in life?

I believe no two loves are the same, even if you're one of the parties involved. You love different types of relationships differently. 

I mean I love my sisters and brother like friends, I love my nieces and nephews like a protective mum and I've loved Dean, and boyfriends afterwards very differently. 

I know my relationship with Dean wasn't the healthiest but there's no doubting how much I loved him. 

I've been in relationships with two people after Dean and I told both of them that I loved them. 

At the time, I thought it was true but now I don't think I did. I think I loved the idea of what I thought we could have in the future. 

But why concentrate on the future instead of simply enjoying the present, that's supposed to be the true gift, right?

Maybe I'm thinking about this more because it's approaching Christmas. I love Christmas but it's just not the same anymore. 

It was always a magical time with my family then it was magical with Dean. This will be the fourth Christmas without Dean. It's strange as the past two Christmases I spent with the current boyfriend, but they didn't exactly last. 

I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with sometimes. I'm very sensitive but I think I've slightly earnt that right with everything that's happened. 

I hate the thought of feeling weak and vulnerable again and perhaps that's why I have this 'fiesty' exterior. It's better to protect yourself sometimes. 

I know I also massively over think things. I thought I was much better than I was before, but I know I still overanalysed things too much. 

My dear friend asked me a very direct question last week, he asked me when I'm going to stop running and start dealing with my grief?

He's asked me this a couple of times and I always brush it off, the usual answer is "it's too late now". I seem to think four years is too long a time to pass to then revisit old wounds. 

I'm a hypocrite, I support these mental health charities and I encourage other people to seek support and yet I haven't done it for myself. 

I do feel very lonely if I decide to try and sort this out. Over the years I've lost so many friends and relationships. 

I know sometimes losing some 'friends' has been for the best as they were very negative but keep losing these friendships has made me realise that I'm

not always the easiest person to get along with. 

If I can't hold a friendship down, how am I expect to hold a relationship down?

I've 'dated' some of the sweetest, nicest guys ever and what did I do, I ran away. 

Now I've tried to say I did this because I thought they wouldn't keep me on my toes, or keep me interested but I wonder whether it's more I think I don't deserve to date someone nice?

I don't know what I want when it comes to a relationship. I'm so impatience and intolerant of other people's supposed flaws, and yet I know I am the furthest away from perfect. 

I give out such honest, harsh feedback sometimes and yet I'm the first to get so upset when someone says something negative to me. Am I really that broken?

As I've said in another post, I don't buy into the whole 'new year, new me' but I do think I will dedicate some time to trying to get myself in a healthier place and as my friend said, stop running away!

Dragging the past up...?

I've been working quite a bit recently on mental health awareness and working with the charity CALM. It seems though every time I work on these things, it stirs up old emotions. I'm just wondering whether this is healthy?

I'm always one for self-analysis and trying to figure out whether what I am doing is 'right' or not but sometimes I do think too much!

What has happened in the past, I can not change but I do acknowledge it has completely shaped me as a person and my future.

I started reading through the material I wrote after Dean passed away recently, this is because I did have the idea of potentially writing a book (although I doubt anyone would want to read my gloomy story) and it really made me sad.

I was reading things that I don't remember writing. It wasn't so much the parts I wrote about directly after Dean died, I remember those things as my clearest memories. I remember everything that happened on that day, I remember the funeral clearly and I remember the corners court so well.

It's all the things afterwards like people I dated since and how I felt about them. I have been in two relationships since Dean died and I honestly don't understand how I wrote some of the things I did about how amazing these people were or how much they seemed to be so caring about what I've been through, as they really wasn't.

I think once again, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I want to continue with the work I'm doing with CALM and raising the awareness of mental health and the fact that there is help out there. But equally it actually really hurts when I think about what I've been through.

I know I failed Dean. I should have seen the signs. I shouldn't have argued with him so much and I should have done the things he wanted me to but sadly I had a final burst of stubbornness (which coincidentally is one of the things that has kept me sane since).

I can't change the past but I know I can shape the future.

I know that someone I date in the future, may not be able to relate to what I've been through but I truly hope that they can accept that I was fully committed to someone before them, but I hope they are strong enough to accept this.

I need to realise that this is a part of me and it is ok for me to be upset occasionally when I think about Dean. It's ok to miss him but that doesn't take anything away from anyone else I am romantically interested in.

Sometimes I'm my own worse enemy. There was no manual for how to deal with becoming a widow at 25, so I have made my own rules and have adapted whichever was possible. I forget sometimes how strong I've been.

Maybe sometimes you need to look at the past, to truly move forward...

I saw this on Pinterest and it's made me consider whether actually maybe I've always been the person I am today?

Better the devil you know...

I saw a very interesting picture on Facebook yesterday and it really got me thinking about how I view future romances.

I think sometimes when you are so used to things being a certain way, you can't possible see things being any different. This sounds so vague but let's be honest, I'm used to relationships not exactly being the healthiest.

This doesn't reflect purely on romantic relationships, although my marriage is probably the most prominent reflection I have of what relationships are like, but also includes relationships with friends, parents, siblings etc.

Let's look at trust for a moment. I trusted my sister completely growing up. Only being five years age difference between us, we were pretty close. I know now this wasn't always my sisters choice, but more my Mothers appalling parenting skills and it was easier to palm me off with my sister when she went out.

So I used to enjoy 'hanging out' with my sister and her cool friends. Playing games like hide and seek. Yes, it's all fun and games until one of you (i.e. Me!) walks into a garage door and needs steri strips above her eyes.

For years my sister said it was an accident, but the truth was revealed a few years ago when in fact she purposely pulled the garage door down so I would walk into it whilst trying to find her. No one I have trust issues!

Actually it's an odd one but my trust issues are not your normal 'I don't trust anyone', my probably is I trust people too much. Often that trust is broken but I am very much of the mind-set that I would much rather trust someone fully than always have doubts.

Of course that's backfired on me in the past, let's see my ex using my car to go and see his ex whilst I was travelling, or the same ex sleeping with a colleague shortly after I encouraged and supporting him in getting a new job.

But you can't tare everyone with the same brush.

I like to give people the benefit of the doubt but equally I am of the opinion that people get one second chance then that's it.

Because things haven't exactly been smooth sailing in the past, I now find it very difficult to understand peoples motives when they are being nice to me. This refers back to a previous post about receiving compliments but I always assume someone wants something from me if they are being nice.

Perhaps the reason why I've usually dated the 'standard type' of guys is because you kind of know where you stand with the arse holes. Yes they are usually incredibly good looking and funny but they are also arrogant and are quite happy for their heads to be turned.

So when they mess you around, you expect nothing less.

So here poses the problem with the 'nice guys'. I've already pushed a very 'nice' guy away before. He was very lovely and would have treated me like the perfect lady but when you're used to being kept on your toes, nice doesn't seem exciting.

Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment or maybe I like the thrill of the chase a bit but sadly nice might keep you warm at night but it's the difference between a warm fluffy blanket and a roaring fire.

I know that there is this 'inbetween' person out there. The person who is the perfect gentleman but will also call me on my flaws. This is perhaps a person that I am not used to at all, hence why it's pretty scary.

When you're used to things being a certain way, change can be daunting. I like to see myself as pretty adaptable but I also know I am a complete stubborn mare sometimes.

To survive, evolve and get the most from life you have to be able to move with the times. The ability to take on-board feedback and move with the times is one of the biggest attributes you can have. It's difficult sometimes but I want to ensure I am the best that I can possibly be.

Discussing the issue of mental health

Last Thursday was International Men's Day. I was supporting the suicide prevention charity, CALM, in the evening by handing our oyster card holders with branding of 'Mind the Chap'.


Because of my involvement, I decided to send an email around my office to raise awareness and then the can of worms was well and truly opened...


After getting the all clear from a senior manager, I sent a pretty generic email explaining what the day was and explaining the good work CALM does. After sending that email, I was very surprised with the responses.


I had a few emails saying they think it's great that I'm supporting such a worthy charity and raising awareness and then I had three people directly approach me and explain they are currently suffering from mental health issues.


I really appreciated these people feeling as though they can approach me. I'm generally quite good at being sympathetic and listening without giving advice. It can be very dangerous to give advice when you don't understand the full circumstances.


One person I am very worried about as he hasn't seek help from the business. We have access to an excellent counselling programme but not everyone knows about this benefit. But he still feels because of the 'taboo' of mental health that he may be seen as weak or even lose his job.


When will people wake up and realise that mental health is as real as a broken arm? Just because you can not directly see the mental health issues, it does not make them real. And the difference with a broken bone is, it's pretty easy to fix (although I'm not a Doctor) whereas mental health issues requires quite a bit more care.


I am very proud of the company I work for, and I know that they truly care about their staff however sadly some times people do not see mental health as a real issue or they are embarrassed to talk, well tough it needs to be addressed.


I've been lucky enough to speak to the senior board members of my firm and raise this issue. It was incredibly awkward to raise in front of a room of 100 people but it had to be done. The support I received was incredible!


I think age sometimes factors into peoples understanding of mental health issues. The older generation were always told to just 'Get on with it' or to 'Man up' but life was a little easier in those days.


Now a days you simply can't switch off. Examples are even when you're on holiday, you can still access work emails and if you wake up during the night, you usually reach for your phone.


Technology is a great thing but it also has it's disadvantages. Take relationships, there were no sites like Ashley Madison trying to lure men (and women) away for affairs. There was also no pressures from trying to compete for Likes on Instagram. Life was a little simpler.


People are now realising that it is ok to discuss if you are feeling down and that there is help and support out there. But it seems it takes that first person to speak up to get the conversation flowing.


I feel like I've opened a can of worms at work. The support has been very good but equally I have slightly criticized the business for not promoting our benefits enough. But I feel very confident that the senior management are taking this seriously.


I feel very vulnerable discussing the issue of mental health. Every time someone opens up to me, I feel so desperate to try and 'save' them. I know I failed Dean and wasn't able to save him so I feel like it's my duty to help others.


From this blog can I please just ask you to be mindful of people around you and how they may be feeling. Even the strongest of person sometimes struggles.


CALM offers so much support and guidance on their website, please check them out. In fact I wrote an article for them shortly after Dean passed away, here is the link to my article and the website you can explore.


https://www.thecalmzone.net/2012/11/first-person-a-widows-words/

Five things I've learnt from dating

Here are some of the lessons I've learnt as a result of my 'dating journey'.




1. Embrace changes.




The World that we live in is forever changing, a prime example is have you tried to buy a packet of crisps for 10p lately? It's not just inflation (including inflation of peoples egos!) that are creating changes but it's everything around us, including ourselves.




I am a completely different person today than I was five years ago. Before Dean passed away, I was such a negative person. I was far too organised and structured (although I still am fairly organised) and I was a whole lot more moody (I know it's debateable at times as to whether that has changed much).




However, now I appreciate life so much more. I don't get stressed if things don't go to plan. I like the fact that I create my own destiny. Although change can often be a little scary, it's also an opportunity to really prove to yourself and others how adaptable you are.




2. Failure is not an option.


This sounds like quite a negative thing but it's actually not meant that way. Regardless what you set out to do, if you don't reach the original goal that you set, it doesn't mean you have failed it just means you've re-written the plan.




So long as you learn from things in life, I think something shouldn't be seen as a failure. It just means that the plan changed. I believe you can learn from other peoples mistakes or errors too.




3. Forgive and forget.


As human beings, we will mess up at times. As above, so long as we learn from these lessons then it's worth working through.




Sometimes other people may let you down, I think so long as it is not intentional then we should learn to accept these occasional disappointments.




There are a few things that I could never forgive and forget, cheating is one of them. If you have made the commitment to be with someone, then you should honour that. If you feel the need to cheat then something is wrong with your relationship and you either need to address the issue or accept it is not working and move on.




Another thing I will not tolerate is violent and/or controlling behaviour. No one has the right to manipulate and control others. I dealt with that for a long time and I've vowed to myself I will never do it again.


A little motto I do live by is "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me". I'm happy to forgive once but you don't get more chances after that.




4. Love yourself.


I don't mean this is a naughty kind of way (although if you're single for a while then I guess needs must!) but more you need to be happy and healthy with the person that you are.




I think I'm still working on this one. I like myself as a person, I know I'm a good person that cares for others but sometimes I am so bad at accepting compliments - I just don't believe them.




I know no one is perfect, and I certainly wouldn't want to be perfect but when people say nice things about me I assume there is some ulterior motive which is a sad way of viewing life.




If you don't love and understand yourself, how can you expect other people to love and understand you?


There is a fine balance though between being confident with yourself, and being an arrogant twat. The latter is not required in my life!


5. Opposites attract.


As with everything in life, this one is in moderation. Some people think that you should only date someone where you have loads in common. I do think you need to have some things in common to have those shared interests you can enjoy together, but equally you need to have your own thing.


I think why I like the opposites attract thing is because it allows you to learn more about someone and also about yourself.


Obviously there are something's that really won't work, for example if someone was heavily into drugs then I would not want to be involved with them as I am very anti-drugs. But if someone likes a different type of music to you, you may broaden your knowledge by sharing what they enjoy.


By both having your own interests, it means you remain as an individual but you also have the ability to grow as a couple (if you're dating that is!).

How do you like your eggs? Scrambled, fried or fertilised...

It's all about eggs lately. First it was eating lots of eggs on the Dukan Diet (don't bother with it!) and now it's about how healthy are my eggs and can I help someone else have a baby.

Today I had my pre-screening consultation for egg donation with the London Egg Bank. I have thought about donating my eggs for a while now so I thought it was finally time to research it further.

Initially when I contacted companies, many said they were not accepting new donations which I was pretty surprised at. But I received a call the other day from the clinic and they asked me to come in for a meeting.

I found out so much information today and they naturally had lots of questions for me too. They asked for in-depth information about my family medical history and I honestly didn't have a clue - I even struggled to know how many cousins I have and their ages. So I've now been left with some homework to complete.

They explained the whole process, it's very thorough. There will be lots of screen on me to check my genetics are healthy. Although I dislike needles, it will be good for me to have a full screening. If they find anything, they will let me know.

A selfish reason for me wanting to donate, is that I will get the opportunity to check if I am fit and healthy. And if the time is right in the future for me, then perhaps I will one day be a Mother.

The main reason why I want to donate is because I have seen the struggle of some of my friends to fall pregnant. I would love the opportunity to help create the gift of life for someone who is so desperate to have a baby.

I am a little worried about how much time the whole process will take. They did explain that they would try to schedule appointments around my work commitments so hopefully it shouldn't affect things too much.

I would need to have the day off work when they actually harvest the eggs - that's if it even gets that far.

For some reason I thought they would just harvest the eggs, freeze them and then use them when someone needs them. But they actually 'match' you with a recipient so as soon as they are taken from me, they are then fertilised and implanted into the potential new Mum.

I have to admit, I was a little overwhelmed at the thought that I would know that someone was pregnant with my donated eggs. That sounds pretty silly but I figured if its sometime in the future - I wouldn't know when.

They also explained that I would be informed if a child is born as a result of my donation. They will also tell me the sex and the date of birth.

I'm trying to see it as it may be my eggs helping to produce the little life, but it would not be possible without the sperm and the mothers bloody running through that babies veins. I am only one part of the process.

When I spoke a little more to my Mum about this, she was still pretty upset. She said she hated the thought of 'Little becky's' out there that she would not know. They wouldn't be little Becky's - only a little part of me.

Thinking of it like that though, I wonder if the child would look like me? I assumed not but I guess they may have my eyes or my nose (lucky them as I have a great nose!). Perhaps they would look more like the father...

Although this consultation gave me so much to think about, I do really want to do it. Some people only ever want to be a Mother (like my lovely sister) and the ability to help them achieve this would be incredibly rewarding.

Another slight concern though is the fact that the child would have the right to contact me once they reach the age of 18. I would think though that they could not possible want to contact me for anything negative - surely?

So it looks like 2016 may be a very exciting year for some potential families out there. They say life is a journey, it looks like I took the first steps today to potentially help create a new life.

Someone pass me the dating manual please

I thought dating was like riding a bike, but it would appear I have forgotten some of the basics to the World of dating.

It's not like I've been a reclusive over the past 18 months, it's just most of my 'dates' haven't made it past the three date mark (with the exception of the Situationship).

I'm very used to the 'excitement' of meeting someone for the first time, this is usually because nearly all of my previous dates I've met through various dating apps. And I'm equally used to them not being remotely like what I thought they would be like.

Even after weeks of texting someone prior to meeting up, you still don't know whether you will actually 'like' someone until you meet up.

I'm now faced with an odd dilemma of actually meeting someone in the real World (yikes no swiping left here) and I'm completely not used to it!

Now that doesn't mean it's a bad thing, it just means I'm a little rusty. Everyone used to say to me that I should give up on the apps and meet someone 'normally' (this advice always came from someone in a relationship!) and now it's kind of (yes being reserved as always!) happened, I have no clue.

I'm loving the excitement of seeing a 'Good morning' message (although I'm usually the first one to message - take note Mr) and really enjoying being on the phone (well FaceTime) until the wee hours of the morning.

But I'm still not used to the whole being nice thing. I mean, I'm always nice to everyone. Well to those that don't piss me off. But I'm so uncomfortable with receiving compliments. I don't really understand it.

I should be flattered when someone says I'm attractive or even better, intelligent. But I keep wondering the reasoning behind the compliment. How can someone think that of me?

My self-esteem really isn't that bad. I'm happy with the person I am but it's rare that I 'rate myself'. I'm very confident with certain things. Work, for example, is where I feel very confident. I know what I'm doing at work and if I don't, I'll learn.

So why do I struggle hearing nice things about me? I guess I know the deep rooted issues lie with what has happened in the past but I thought I had dealt with most of those issues - perhaps not.

I certainly don't want the compliments to stop but if I was giving compliments that keep getting brushed off, you'll soon stop bothering.

I also need to curb my enthusiasm for certain things. I love to plan things - especially travel or fun days out. But I don't want my silly childish excitement of doing fun things to be confused with being too 'keen'.

I'm very independent so I'll do things regardless if it's with someone else, but the thought of sharing something fun with someone I like, it's a really nice idea.

This whole dating malarkey is like a balancing act. Trying to show to someone your interested but not too keen. Being 'available' but not desperate. And trying to be open and honest with someone but also trying to act cool and mysterious.

It's a tough job... but I do like a challenge. Especially one that may result in me receiving breakfast in bed!

This seems very appropriate albeit worded terribly.  

Absolutely no comment!!

New Year, New Start.

It's always around this time of year that we tend to think about what we want to achieve in the year ahead.

Whether it's New Years Resolutions or things on our 'To Do' list. It seems like people forget about the other 8 months of the year. November to March are full of either diets ahead of the Christmas season to slim into that 'LBD' or the diet after eating too much at Christmas.

I've been thinking about next year and what I'd like to achieve and you know what, there's not a lot I'd change.

This year has been a pretty good year. The biggest thing for me has been moving house. I don't think I realised just how much I needed to do that to truly move forward.

After I moved so many people finally said to me they couldn't understand how I stayed in that house for so long. I'm surprised no one said anything before but I guess they were just trying to be supportive.

I knew I couldn't stay in that house. Initially it was shear stubbornness that kept me there. I was not going to let Dean 'beat me'. That's such a bad way to have seen it but at the time, I wasn't thinking straight enough to know where I would have wanted to move to anyway.

Now I absolutely love my new house. I'm very lucky to live where I do. And as strange as it may sound, Shiloh (poochie) seems so much happier here too. He hasn't tried to escape once (mind you he can't go and run to Nan and Granddads anymore) and he hasn't destroyed anything (accept for the Lodgers Macaroons).

This year has also seen lots of travelling which I'd like to continue into next year. I think I will better restrain the travelling a little bit. I calculated (roughly) how much I've spent on travel over the past four years and I can't believe I could have bought a several (yep more than one!) properties up North for the amount I've spent. That is insane!!

Work has become busier so this will divert my attention from travels a bit. I'm actually ok with that. I'm very lucky to have a job that I really enjoy and really fantastic colleagues.

I've also stripped a few fake friends from my life. I would much rather have only 2/3 friends that I truly respect and am close to than people that always have a negative opinion on me.

The New Year shouldn't always be about trying to change things, it should sometimes be about improving on the things you currently do and being thankful for this.

Here's to a fantastic 2016. I'm hoping the year will be filled with lots of love, luck and happiness. Not just for me, but especially for my friends and family.

Perks (or not) to being single

The amount of times I feel like I have to justify myself when someone asks why I'm single is unreal! Heaven forbid I may actually like being single.

You would think these comments would come from people that don't really know me but sadly that's not always the case.

I'm sure some people mean well when they say that they can't believe I'm single. Usually it's followed by some backhanded compliment like "Oh but you're so pretty" but I can see their little brains turning wondering whether I'm the bitch from hell or possibly have three nipples (FYI I don't have three nipples!).

The worst offender, I'm going to say, is my Mother. When I say I'm going away, she's stopped asking who with and now it's "Alone again?". Yes Mother, your 29 year old daughter is heading to Madrid for the weekend - alone.

It's terrible when she keeps asking me when will I have babies? I haven't had the heart to explain that the whole baby making process requires someone with a XX chromosome too (You'd think after four children she would understand this!).

I'm convinced she thinks I could pop into a shop and buy a baby the same way I would go and buy a LV handbag. Which, let's be honest, if I had a baby my lovely handbag collect would be replaced with a Mama and Papas nappy changing bag (unless Burberry sell changing bags?).

I'm haven't told her about my appointment next week to become an egg donor. I'm not sure if she'll understand why I'm giving away my perfect healthy (well that's a huge assumption but we'll soon fine out) eggs to a complete stranger when I haven't had a child myself.

I would like to think she could understand the maternal desire some people have to have their own children... then I remember this is my mother we're talking about!

I have seen some of my closest friends struggle to fall pregnant so I really hope I'm able to help happy couples become parents.

Back to the perks of being single. My king size bed - all mine! Ok that's a fib as Shiloh may occasionally (always) sleep on the bed. But the thought of sharing my bed  with a boy (yuck!) is rather alarming. I've become far too complacent.

Another perk is the ability to choose whatever film I feel like watching without judgement. If I feel like watching three Disney films in a row on a lazy Sunday (the chance would be a fine thing!) then I want to do that without someone judging my note taking of how the beautiful Princess always finds her Prince Charming (and without the use of Tinder).

Although there are some good points to being single, I guess there are some downfalls too. Especially with Christmas coming up, it would be nice to get into the Christmas spirit with someone else.

One of my Christmas traditions, is to watch Love Actually. I watch it around Christmas time every year and for me that's the start of the holiday season. It would be nice to be snuggled on the sofa next to someone and watch it.

Also I'm having an operation in January on my foot and it would be nice knowing that someone is thinking of me and could be there for me when I'm recovering.

The best thing about being single though is the possibility of meeting someone new. When you are actively seeking someone by using these dating apps, the thrill is slightly lost as it's expected. But when you just meet someone nice that you get along with, someone who makes you laugh and you can speak on the phone to, for say three hours at a time, then that's nice... Very nice :-)

Don't give cherries to pigs or advice to fools

I think we've all been guilty of dishing out advice when we think we know best, but perhaps we really don't know best. 

I know I am guilty of this, especially at the moment with someone special in my life. I have all the best intentions in the World but I can only see things through my eyes. 

Although I'm doubting whether what I'm saying is truly the best advice, I know it's coming from my heart with all the best intentions. 

I have been on the receiving end of some ill-fitting advice. After Dean passed away, I received some real golden nuggets like "Shit happens" and "Everything happens for a reason".

I must admit with the shit happens comment, I wasn't quite sure whether to laugh or cry (standard reactions for everything around that time) but reflecting upon it, I know the person saying it meant well (albeit rather untackfully!). 

I've since received (although often I've never ask for it) lots of pearls of wisdom on dating. 

Now most of this has come from people in long term relationships, those that haven't received several (unwanted) willy photos from delightful men (and possible trans-genders) off various dating apps like Tinder and POF. 

These people hand out their advice behind their 'love bubbles' filled with Sunday morning snuggles and eating Ben & Jerries in front of a roaring fire (the ex had some perks). 

What they don't realise is dating is tough!! They think it's all fun and games, of going out to dinner for free or cool wine bars (lesson learnt to never drink Long Island ice-tea on a first date!). 

They haven't recently encountered the constant boob watchers (even other girls boobs!) or the guy who thinks it's acceptable to discuss how great his ex was in bed (not cool!).

They may have good intentions but they are out of touch with dating. I've been the one recently to be handing out dating advice (which I feel I am overly qualified to do).

My main piece of advice is manage expectations. You are not perfect, so why should your date be?

We all have our strengths and weaknesses. I'm not saying we should just 'settle' but at least be realistic. 

I think my problem in the past, has been that I've been so focussed on what I don't want, that I haven't really considers what I do want. 

I would never allow anyone to control me again so if I see any element of that, I run a mile. And I won't tollerate mind games. Sadly some people do it without even realising they are doing it, for example "meet me if you're brave enough..."  

I would love to meet my equal. I don't mean everything has to be a level playing field. The best part of relationships (from what I vaguely remember) is the ability to work with each others strengths and help with those weaknesses. 

Simple things like someone is the better cook so they are happy to cook more, and the other one does the dishes. 

I think you should be with someone who can accept your past and want to help build the best future together. 

One piece of advice which I always used to roll my eyes at was "stop looking for someone". I honestly thought people were so stupid  for saying this. It's easily said from your snuggle sofa...

But actually, they were right. After the last horrible date, I thought sod this I'm done with dating. 

Since taking the pressure off myself, I've felt so much happier. 

I've never 'needed' to date someone. I'm incredibly independent and I can always  ask for help - Daddy to the rescue. But occasionally it's nice to have someone to talk to. 

The simply things like sharing how your day has been or having a little moan about something is good. 

So it seems that less is more in the World of dating. The less time you spend on dating apps and the more time you spend on important things like socialising with work colleague (purely an example...) is perhaps more beneficial. Mayve we'll see...

It's not me, it's you.

Perhaps it's me being in work mode with my 'Compliance/Risk' hat on but I've been thinking about what happens (or has happened) when things go wrong with dating/relationships.

I've had some amazingly shocking (is that even allowed, grammatically?) experiences of when things go wrong.

I can not even think of how many dates I've been on so perhaps my hit rate of bad ones is 'average' (but really what is average?) but I would probably say I've had more bad than good.

I will start off with my worst date ever! In fact, it was my last date - perhaps I've been scarred for life? Either way, it was with a guy from a new dating app I downloaded (review to follow) called Hinge.

His pictures looked nice and he said he was involved with politics so I thought we'd have common interests to talk about. He even said he was active, which I assumed to be sporty.

Anyway, I met him outside a pub in Soho. We were trying to find each other and I spotted a guy walk past (phone in hand) with red trainers (the bloody sign!!), baggy jeans and some horrifically old leather jacket (can't even be classed as vintage).

When I asked if he was wearing red trainers (via text - still trying to casually locate each other), and he said yes... I don't think he appreciated my joke of saying "See you later" (clearly no humour).

Either way I had committed to it so I went over and said Hello. How can one simple word help you decide that you want to perhaps fake fainting, read the whole of the FCA Handbook (actually I'd probably enjoy that) or even go round to my Mum's for dinner? (don't ask about the rice pudding!)

All I could hear in my head (well above the screaming of "run for the hills") were the lyrics from the Lionel Richie song "Hello". I can categorically state (pinkie promise) that I was not looking for 'A' (yes I'll be kind and not say his name).

So we're now in this busy pub and he buys a drink. I ask for a white wine, he gets me a large glass. God damn it, the one time I actually didn't want a large!!

You're probably wondering what was so wrong with this guy? Let's just say his profile would not have been signed off as a Financial Promotion. It definitely did not follow the 'clear, fair and not misleading' rules.

I know it sounds so superficial (and I guess it is) but I did not find him attractive at all. He looked so different from his pictures. I'm sure they were his pictures, they were just taken about a decade ago. And the leather jacket... really?!?

Usually it's fine if you don't fancy a date. You can still have a pleasant time, a nice conversation and discuss shared interests such as travel but not with 'A'. I usually have no problems talking but I think I've had better conversations with Shiloh.

'A' was just so dull. I don't know whether he was nervous or he genuinely wasn't very interesting but it seemed like it was me asking all the questions or trying to talk.

After struggling to make conversation, I decided to go to the toilet. I took my handbag with me but I left my coat and umbrella at the table. I seriously considered leaving them there and bailing.

I have never consumed a large glass of wine so quickly. I kept looking at my watch and convincingly said that I needed to catch a certain train home. I think I made it pretty clear things were not going well, thankfully it was his turn to pop to the loo.

At this point, I started chatting to the guys at the table next to me. I had a great conversation with them about the rugby. I think I just wanted to check my conversational skills were still working - nailed it!

When my 'date' came back he kindly (arrgggg just let me roam the mean streets of London alone) walked me to the tube station (to catch that 'specific' train). It was at this point that I thanked him for the drink, asked if he was also getting the train (thinking if he is, I'm going in the opposite direction) and before he could finish his sentence, which included 'No, I'm getting a Bus', I had started walking down the stairs to the station.

It was honestly the worst half hour of my life! Yes I managed to neck a large glass of wine, two separate loo breaks and chatting to a bunch of strangers in a 30 minute date - Like a Boss!

The thing that stuck in my mind the most were the red trainers. It all became clear when he explained that his 'political' interests and being 'active' translated into being a 'Labour Activist'.

They always say go with your gut instinct. I should have run when I had the chance.

I think there has been a little theme of meeting guys from these apps and them not looking like their pictures.

I get we always put our 'best' pictures up but to put pictures up that are a few years old and you've since gone grey, gained/lost weight, wrinkles etc in my mind is misleading.

This is all very superficial but you have to be attracted to someone, to want to date them. Obviously the date above has also shown that you need to have the ability to hold a conversation with someone and have shared interests as well. But is it too much to ask for looks and personality?

Travel buddy required

I have been thinking and if 2016 is anything like my travel experiences of 2015, I should start taking applications for a travel buddy. I know I have Ducky (as some of you may know) but I think perhaps it may be more beneficial to travel with someone who could actually drink a cocktail instead of floating on top of it.

Here's a little recap of my travels so far this year;

January:

Because of all the stress of moving house, I went away for the weekend to a beautiful country hotel near Oxford.

The plan was originally to have a break alone however it turned out to be a very bold third date! It was actually such a great weekend and it wasn't awkward at all (except for explaining why I don't like hearing the song 'Don't Stop Me Now' by Queen).

Obviously that 'dating' didn't go any further. I am still in contact with him but he is very busy (even busier than me being a hot shot Lawyer) so it wasn't meant to be. He was also another 'I don't want a relationship' kind of guy...

February:

This was first time in Dubai and I had a blast! I went alone and I figured being Dubai it would be a restful holiday of relaxing on a beach and maybe having a glass of wine over dinner.

I had the craziest night her parting with some cool Swedish girl and Arab guys. I drunk far too much whiskey and was still drunk/hung over whilst on the beach the following day.

I actually enjoyed the mix of having the days to myself then finding people to hang out with in the evening.

I also made a wonderful friend, Peta. Who I can't wait to see again soon. She's one of these girls that it feels like I've known her for years!

March:

March bought the weekend before St. Paddy's Day with a now ex 'friend'. They say it's always the quiet ones you need to watch out for and it was definitely the case here.

It was nice wandering round Dublin on Saturday and visiting the Guinness Factory before heading out in the evening. Sadly when alcohol and a low self esteem girl is added to the mix, then it's not as much fun. Enough said!

April:

This was the best travel experience of my life! I did a G Adventures tour to South Africa, Botswana, Zimbabwe and Zambia. This was my first Africa experience and it was incredible.

The wildlife was incredible and seeing how life is in Africa was such an eye opener but I honestly think it's the people that made this experience even more sensational.

I loved sharing a tent with my buddy, who we even bonded over throwing up together. Sadly on the same day, I was sick at the feet of one of the most genuine guys I have ever met.

I know I may seem a little boy crazy at times but I honestly haven't felt such a strong connection with someone before. I'm very sad that we live opposite sides of the World - such is life.

May:

This trip was the end of said friendship above. We had already booked a trip to Dubai prior to Dublin (rookie mistake) so we made up for the sake of this trip but you really learn about a person when you travel together.

We did have a great time in Dubai, it was nice getting dressed up to go out drinking  and going to the water park but it made me realise how different we are as individuals.

I'm pretty relaxed when I'm away so having to pick a certain spot on the beach so there were no cranes in the background when you take a selfie is a tad self absorbed for me.

June:

I had two lovely little weekends away. Firstly I went to Germany, a lovely little town along the Rhine. This was the first time I felt a little lonely whilst I was away. I think the language barrier didn't help.

Next trip was to Madrid. I had a great time! I arrived late on the Friday but I went to meet one of the lovely girls that I met in Africa in a gay bar. So random from being in the office during the day to being surrounded by some of the most gorgeous guys I've ever seen at night.

I like these little weekends away as they give you a break but they are not too long to get lonely.

Apps like Tinder/Happn can help you connect with people in these cities. If I do use them, I always explain that I'm only there for the weekend and just looking for some company (not a hook up) and it's worked so far for me.

July/August:

I don't think I went away in July/August. I was trying to cram in some miles on the bike before my big race in August.

Plus the weather was pretty nice so it was good enjoying the new garden and a few BBQs.

September:

I finally made it to Paris. I had such a nice long weekend in Paris. I made friends with a guy over there using one of the apps and we had a few drinks one night. It was nice having some company for a bit.

October:

One of my favourite family holidays. It was so nice going away with my sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephew. It was lovely playing with the kids in the pool and having a few drinks in the evening.

It was also really nice making new friends with the guys from the plane. That allowed me to see some amazing places in Lanzarote which I probably wouldn't have done had I not met them.

November:

So coming up in November I have two lovely weekends planned. First one is a weekend in Lowestoft with my sister, niece, two nephews and my Shiloh. Because of where we are, hopefully I'll be able to visit other family as well so a busy weekend.

Then the last weekend I'm going to Cologne for the Christmas markets. I think this would be a nice trip to go with someone but at the moment I'm going solo. I'm really looking forward to getting into the Christmas move.

December:

I've decided to go to Dubai for a third time this year. I'm going over New Year's Eve - it should be epic!!

I'll be visiting my lovely friend and hopefully we can hang out on New Year's Eve together and have a blast.

I was debating whether it's better to be with family over New Year's but I'll be spending Christmas with them so that'll be nice.

It's so difficult as I do enjoy travelling on my own sometimes but equally it's lovely exploring a new place with someone.

Hopefully next year will allow me to continue travelling but maybe with a like minded travel buddy. Any takers...??

One of those days

Today I'm having one of those days... They are few and far between but they still occur, well maybe not days but moments. Moments when I really miss Dean. 

I've had a pretty stressful day at work so maybe it's just a feeling of it would be nice to go home to a cuddle and a nice cup of tea but I do feel a little sad. 

Or maybe it's my sub conscience feeling guilty about looking at dating again - who knows. 

I don't like it when I feel like this. I feel like I'm not in control of my own emotions and we all know how much I like to be in control. 

I think everyone is so used to hearing about me going on holiday or excited about buying a new handbag that they forget what has happened in the past. 

I'll never forget. Not that I'd even want to forget. I (mainly) loved my time with Dean. And everything that I've been through has shaped me into the person I am today. 

Despite my selfishness sometimes, I don't think I'm a bad person. 

So tonight I'll have an evening of feeling a little down and no doubt tomorrow I'll wake up 'happy' again. 

Situationship

I learnt the best new word yesterday when I was training with my new Lewisham family. It's 'Situationship'.


One of the girls was explaining her not boyfriend who is heading over from Spain for a visit and the explanation was so clear.


When I first heard the word, I thought it meant "Friends with Benefits" but I think it means more than that.


I did google the word and it came up with a cumber of different meanings but most have a negative vibe to it - I don't think it should be seen as a negative thing.


Thinking about it, I had my own situationship which lasted four blissful months. In my mind, our 'non-relationship' was 'perfect' (OK - nothing is perfect but it was pretty damn good).


From the beginning I knew he didn't want a relationship, at least he was being very honest. At first, I thought that was a poor reflection on me (of course it's all about moi!!) but he clearly explained his reasons for not wanting a relationship, and although I didn't fully agree with his reasons, I did completely understand how he felt.


We agreed right away that we would be exclusively seeing just each other so not once did I feel jealous. Ok that's a tiny fib as he often went away with female friends and I was occasionally a little jealous but nowhere near the extent as I had been jealous in the past.


And the communication was great. We chatted all the time and when we didn't, we both knew it was because the other was busy.


In the four months we had one little tiff, and luckily he realised pretty quickly that he was indeed in the wrong. That was actually the only issue with the non-relationship, I had expected a little more support with something and he was honest and said if we were in a relationship, he would've done more.


That did hurt a little but I got over it pretty quickly. Let's face it, there was no point in causing drama as the outcome wouldn't have changed.


That was really the best thing about it all, the lack of drama. We never argued, I didn't expect him to do anything for me (but naturally he did do things as we were still friends) and there was no pressure. It was chilled and fun.


Sadly things did end. I think I was starting to develop stronger feelings for him and he felt it was best to end it before anyone got hurt. At the time, I didn't really agree as it's no different if you're in a relationship with someone and it ends - it will hurt.


Anyway, what this situationship taught me was you don't have to put a label on it. If something works for the two of you, then who gives a damn what it's called?


There are a few things for me that are so important to any 'relationship/non-relationship' and that's being exclusive and communication.


Jealousy is a truly nasty thing and we are all guilty of it at some point. Whether it's within your relationship, whether your jealous of a friend earning more money than you or someone with a better body than you - at times we're all partial to the Green eyed monster. However, that doesn't make it right!


This is where I see situationships and friends with benefits massively differ. FWB is just that, you occasionally have 'fun' together but ultimately they have no 'tie' (that's not the right word but I can't think of another) with you. You know they are likely dating other people and may have other FWB.


I think a situationship is for people who either don't care what other people think about the label or they are still a little scared of taking the full plunge into declaring to the World that they are exclusively with that one person.


My problem at the moment is I don't feel like I have the time, patience or even desire to fully commit to someone. I would like to have that one person I can call when I'm excited about something, or whether my day has been bad. I want the Netflix weekends on the sofa but I also want my freedom.


I want someone to know that yes I am faithful to you, but I have guy friends who I want to hang out with. That I am flirty but that doesn't mean I'm going to cheek and above all, my independence to do what I want when I want.


I guess I was lucky to have those four months before. It seems dating has changed so much and it's really difficult to find that middle ground between all or nothing.


Plus I think my biggest issue is being so damn picky. I've settled so much in the past so now I don't want to do that. I have a whole list of things that I don't want but I still haven't fully figured out what I do want. Only time will tell...

This one really made me laugh. So true!! I want loyalty yet being relaxed. I want fun yet you're not allowed fun with others.

Initially I felt like this with the situationship I was in (before I knew the awesome new title). It looked like a relationship, it felt like a relationship but it categorically wasn't a relationship.

This is what I'm living by. I don't need to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one.

Battle of the Apps: Tinder vs. POF

Over the past few years I've used various dating app's. Things have changed so much from simply meeting someone in a bar or club and going over to speak to them.


Nowadays, everyone hides behind their screens - be it mobile phone or computer. I'm not sure whether this is a good thing or not?


I think the ability to look for potential people you might be interested in dating, whilst your on your commute to work, tucked up on the sofa or even at the gym (yes I should be working out harder) is good as it utilises time well but equally, other than on your sofa, the other places you could catch the eye of someone you like the look of.


If you were to look around on your way to work and see how many people are either reading on a eBook, looking at their phones or listening to music you'd realise how difficult it is to engage with people in the 'Real World'.


I think that's why dating app's and websites are so popular. I've decided to share my views on the app's/sites I've used and maybe some 'interesting' dating stories.


Let's start with the one most people have heard of;


Tinder:


Where to start with this superficial app? You probably know that you this is linked to your Facebook account and you can choose which pictures to display. It takes your date of birth to calculate your age, so if you were one of these 'clever' people putting an incorrect DOB in to protect against potential fraud, you may be misleading on this app.


You can right a short bio under your profile but let's be honest who actually reads this?


At first I liked Tinder. I used it a few years ago and I thought the selection (yes a bit like at the supermarket) of guys was pretty promising. Then things changed and there was everyone and anyone on it.


I like how you can see if you have mutual friends, that can sometimes break the ice if you match with them and start talking.


I'm not exactly sure why but I would say 9 out of 10 times when I swipe right (to 'Like' them) then it is a match. Maybe guys just go through and swipe all of the girls profiles - or maybe my pictures look good. Who knows?!?


I have met a couple of guys from Tinder for a date but none have gone any further. Sometimes the picture quality isn't great. I feel bad but a couple of times I've switched to talking to guys on What's App and when they send more pictures - they look very different!


I know we'll always put our 'best' pictures on here to make yourself more appealing but when you put no full body pictures (to hide your big belly) or are wearing a hat in each picture (to hide your reseeding hairline) it's just false advertisement.


One good thing I do like about Tinder is the 'Moments'. You can share a picture with your matches and sometimes this prompts them to chat to you again. If you match with lots of people, you can sometimes get a little lost o it's good to bring peoples attention back to you.


One bad thing about Tinder is, you can see when the person was last online. That doesn't mean that they have read your message and ignored you, but some people can get funny about this.


I deleted Tinder (along with all but one dating app) this week. For me it wasn't working. Too many people just looking for casual hook ups. So it's a swipe left from me.


Plenty of Fish (POF):


This is a free dating site/app where you can set up a comprehensive profile with multiple pictures. It's good in the sense of you can add as much, or as little, information about yourself as you like.


The first time I was on POF was my first internet dating experience after Dean passed away. It was 2012 and the first person I met from the site, I ended up dating for over a year (well with a little break!).


It seemed a lot easier then. Because we started dating seriously after that very first date, we deleted our profiles within a week of meeting each other.


I decided to give POF another try (seeing as it worked first time round) but my goodness things have changed on there!


It does not matter what you write on your profile, people rarely read it. At one point, I have over 500 messages. They were received within the space of one week.


This may sound very harsh but it seemed like people really tried their luck on there. Guys who quite frankly, wouldn't dream of coming up to you in real life, would send messages asking for a date. I'm sure they could be the nicest person in the World but if there is no mutual attraction, then there is no point.


At first, I would try to reply to all messages. Even if it was simply a 'Thanks for the message but sadly I'm not interested'. I know that's blunt but I actually thought it was more polite to reply than to just ignore them.


Sometimes they guy would reply saying thanks for the reply but sadly quite a few times I'd get back nasty messages saying that 'You're not that pretty anyway' or 'I only did it for a laugh'. Some people really don't handle rejection well.


There seemed to be more people not looking for anything serious more so now than a couple of years ago. Maybe people are just keeping their options open but I don't understand why you would date someone but not want anything more to come out of it (I may be contradicting myself there!).


Anyway, being fed up of all the pointless messages I decided to delete my profile. I think POF is a good site for someone who needs an ego boost. To make them feel better about themselves if they just crave some attention.


I'm sure there are some great guys on there that do want to find someone special to be with but for me it required too much and effort to 'fish' through all the messages/profiles.


That is my take on only two of the apps I've used. There are another five I could easily review. I think if there was a Tinder vs. POF battle then I would have to say Tinder.


Purely from a superficial and time sensitive point of view. At least with Tinder, you should have that slight attraction from there photos already... unless your name is Andrew, that is.

Word Porn

I love wasting time on Facebook and Pinterest looking at the quotes. I'm often looking for funny/sarcastic quotes but occasionally I stumble across the serious quotes and think 'Yes that makes sense' or more often than not 'What a load of b*llocks!'.

Come on, let's be serious most of the love quotes are deep and meaningless... sorry I mean meaningful. But sometimes some really do help to put things into perceptive.

Here are some of my 'Top' quotes and what I think of them.

I feel like this was written for me. People who knew me five years ago would agree how different I was then. I don't know whether it's just age that has matured me, or what I've been through but I feel like a completely different person.

Before I was a negative spoilt brat. Yes I know I'm not perfect and maybe I've changed from being a spoilt brat to being a 'posh' twat but I have also changed my heart and how I feel for people.

I was very self centred before (and yes some may still think I am) but I know I care a lot more about people now than sadly I did before.

I do feel like I'm a better person. But I also feel a little broken by what happened. I'm now too stubborn and strong sometimes and that can go against me.

You meet new people each and every day but I've been so blessed to meet some incredible people - often whilst travelling.

I met two lovely girls on my first trip to Costa Rica, and also though we don't speak as often as I'd like, I still think the World of them as they are such good people.

The same with my most recent trip. I met two awesome guys who I feel such at ease with. There are no pretences there - I can be me without giving a damn about whether my hair and make up look good etc.

Travelling has blessed me with the best experiences I've had over the past four years. I've experienced some incredible things and have also been very humbled by the World. 

This is a tough one for me. For quite some time I couldn't fully let go of what happened. I tried to 'push' situations so much. I pretended that I wasn't affected by what had happened, that I was strong and independent but all I was doing was craving attention.

I sometimes have moments of thinking about just being in a relationship, for the sake of it. Just so I know I have someone in my life who wants to care for me and is 'mine (so to speak!). Thankfully those moments are few and far between. If anything, it's gone the opposite direction.

I do not want to settle for just anything or anyone. I know perfection doesn't exist but I do hope I will have that light bulb moment (again) when I realise the person I'm getting to know, is the one that I always want to be around.

I'm still not exactly sure what it is I deserve. I wasn't the greatest wife to Dean, but I did love him with all my heart.

I sometimes think if he saw me out and about 'dating' whether he'd be incredible angry with me? But then I try and take comfort in the last message he sent to me, saying he hope's that I will be 'truly happy'.

I think this speaks for itself. My heart was truly broken before, even now I still know it's not fully healed. In fact, it won't ever be fully healed. But I still hope to find true love again.

The right person will also need to be strong enough to accept what I've been through. Sadly one ex just couldn't get over the fact that I had been fully committed to someone else - that's very sad.

There have been times when I've thought maybe it's not worth the potential pain to be open for love again but then I realise what a sad, lonely life that would be. 

Again this one I've doubted many times!! Sometimes I'm not sure what the difference is between being strong and stubborn?

I was never going to allow someone (Dean) to beat me. I want to live a full life and I think my angry and rage was what got me through the first year or so.

I do like being strong. Not just emotionally but little things like I want to beat the boys at the gym or be independent and change my tyre (although I have run flats so that doesn't quite work). I'm sure you get the picture!

This is my favourite. It gives me hope! If things were handed to you on a silver platter, then it's worth a little less (it's certainly not worthless!).

I have sometimes thought whether we only get 'One True Love' in this life? I know Dean was mine but I do hope and believe there are many other people out there that are right for me.

I just need to decide whether I'm waiting for that famous 'Spark' or it's those that grow on you, that is the right person...

Definition time

So I've been 'single' for one year and four months now - yikes time flys when you're having 'fun'. 

Although over the last 16 months I've been on multiple dates (cue The 'Good, The Bad and The Ugly' theme tune), I've even 'seen' someone for nearly four months (although this was absolutely not a relationship!). 

Actually lets eleborate on that last point. What is a relationship? 

For me, a relationship is when you are exclusive with someone. You're not interested in seeing someone else of the opposite sex romantically (although what is romance these days?). 

A relationship is when you are there for each other. It's not set out by a minimum commitment requirement of seeing someone 'X' hours per week. 

It should simply be about wanting to spend time with someone and enjoying that time together. 

Far too many people get hung up on titles and are more concerned about what other people think or what they expect you to do, rather than what makes them truly happy. 

I actually have to admit that those four months of 'non-relationship' status were probably the best times over the past couple of years. 

Things were easy. Low expectations meant I could be myself without worrying about what he thought of me (although I still didn't pass wind in front of him). 

With the dating websites/app I use, they always make you define what you are looking for. 

At first I thought it was easy, I'm looking for a relationship. However, a relationship is very unique to the two people that are in it. 

I used to refuse to reply (unless they were insanely hot!) to any guy that said they are just 'seeking fun' or as Plenty of fish puts it 'Not seeking commitment of any kind' (I try hope those dudes don't have a pet goldfish or anything!).

But really, what is commitment? Is asking for someone to communicate with you regularly, asking too much? Is asking someone not to be kissing another girl, being unreasonable?

I think I don't actually know what I want. Wow I bet that's a big shock - a female that can't make her mind up!

I thought I wanted the whole relationship, commitment, settling down 'thing' but what does it all actually mean?

I have been on dates with such different types of guys. I've dated the narcissist, I've dated the player, I've dated the nice guy. And all it has done is made me realise, there are aspects from each of these guys I liked (yes even the not so nice ones). 

I know perfection doesn't exist, and frankly I wouldn't want it. I'm the type of girl that needs to be kept on my toes. If everything was handed to me too easily then I'd get bored. 

I'm starting to wonder whether I need to change my ways as to how I view dating, otherwise I may be single for a long time. 

But the past 16 months haven't been so bad, isn't the saying "Don't fix something that isn't broken"?

The dating game

I cannot believe how much the dating game has changed!


I know things evolve and adapt over time but come on, it can't seriously need to change that much?


I remember when I was in secondary school, if I liked a boy I would ask my friend to go and tell him. It was the classic "My mate fancies you" followed by a silly giggle.


It was all so simple, or so it seemed!


If I was really lucky, the boy I liked would come over and do something completely endearing to 'woo' me over. I'm sure you're all thinking maybe he offered to hold my books for me or possibly he'd buy me lunch in the canteen?


No, I went to school in Essex so if I was lucky he would maybe pull my hair or if he really really liked me, he'd trip me over in front of my friends. And they say romance is dead!


Actually that's a really bad line considering my circumstances...


Yes, I just said that! As my posts follow, you will learn I have a very odd (fitting with my surname) sense of humour. Personally I blame my Father.


A fine example of Daddy's (Yes I call him Daddy as I am a massive Daddy's girl!) sense of humour is a time we were on the beach and a child came up to him and asked what happened to his leg (My Dad lost his leg in a motorbike accident over 35 years ago), his answer was that the craps in the sea bite him - that poor child is probably still in therapy.


In fact speaking of therapy, my therapist (I'm not crazy but it seemed like a good idea to go after Dean died) explained that my perverse (His words - not mine) sense of humour is a 'copying mechanism'. He clearly never met my Dad!


Now back to how much dating has changed. From the age of 16 until 25, I was in a serious relationship. I didn't have to look for dating. My first serious boyfriend, I met at work. We dated for over a year. Then shortly after we split up, I met the lovely guy I was with before I started dating Dean in a nightclub. That's how it was at 17.


Opps actually, no I wasn't getting into over 18 nightclubs and drinking alcohol at the age of 18 - promise Daddy!

So getting back to dating - how tough is it?!? Long gone are the games of being mean then getting the girl. 

Now you've got to contend with so many different possibilities out there. Because of the joys of Internet/app dating, you now seem to have to contend with so many different people.

Watch this space with my online dating reviews.